``I must give him his due. He has considerably cretinized me.'' Lautréamont

Pics click to enlarge.

Monday, January 31, 2005

Elephant Tramples Circus Worker to Death

Elephant worker tramples circus worker to death

Teaching Computers to Read No Simple Task

able to buy cognac

It all might sound like science fiction, but it's not that far-fetched. Machines can already be considered cognitive, depending on your definition of the word.

Faith-Based Groups Oppose Immigration Bill

We're faith-based

"We believe public policy based on fear, false premise or misleading information is something we cannot accept. The Episcopal Church has long spoken out against further reduction of asylum opportunity," Parkins said.

Students to Learn About La. Wetlands

The multimedia quagmire

The five hourlong live broadcasts from will take place in Jean Lafitte National Park, the Louisiana Universities Marine Consortium's laboratory at Port Fourchon and its marine center in Cocodrie.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Rice: Iraqi Election Tops Expectations

Kerry to fill Kennedy's shoes when the great man explodes

"It is hard to say that something is legitimate when whole portions of the country can't vote and doesn't vote," Kerry said.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Connecticut Officials Postpone Execution

Rube Goldberg fans enthusiastic

Death penalty opponents have warned that an execution in liberal New England could have a domino effect across the region and make it easier for other states to put criminals to death.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Massive Manure Fire Burns Into Third Month

Extinguishing the monster dung fire was Hercules' eleventh labor, after bringing the cattle of the monster Geryon.

Byproducts from the massive operation resulted in a dung pile measuring 100 feet long, 30 feet high and 50 feet wide that began burning about two months ago and continues to smolder despite Herculean attempts to douse it.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

University Tells Driver to Remove Magnet

Below the belt is where you'd look to distinguish patriotism from matriatism

University President Dave Frohnmayer said Tuesday that Baker will face no disciplinary action, and added that he was upset that the incident has led people to question the patriotism of the university.

"The excuse that some people take in events like this to question the patriotism of other Americans is frankly below the belt," he said.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Bush Seeks Fresh Start With Black Leaders

God loves money

Bush's efforts to steer more federal dollars to social programs conducted by so-called faith-based groups also has been received favorably by church leaders.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Wife of Hearst Newspaper President Dies

Caring specialized

"Mary had a compassionate heart for others who didn't have the financial ability to attend a Catholic school," said Kathy Boukissen, the school's director of development.

Hutchinson Leaving Homeland Security Post

Decisive means its opposite in government

"We'll wait and see," Hutchinson said. "I'm ruling nothing out. I'm taking the decision-making process a step at a time."

Study: Obesity May Hinder Cancer Screening

Why there are no fat scientists

But doctors believe obese men produce more estrogen, which drives down testosterone levels and could affect cells that produce the antigen used in the test.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Nixon Secretary Rose Mary Woods Dies

Cold hands too

"She was intelligent, literate, clamlike in her discretion.

Western State Democrats Interview Dean

Victory at Sea

Frost decried "the consultant culture" in Washington and stressed his experience in Texas fighting the Republican tide orchestrated in part by Karl Rove

Community Mourns Wal-Mart Clerk Found Dead

The snappage quote

"All you can do is sit here and wonder, you know, what happened," she told the newspaper. "I guess he just snapped.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Abducted Wal-Mart Clerk's Body Found

Something from the sympathy card section

A makeshift memorial was set up at the Wal-Mart on Friday. More than a dozen flower bouquets, some with notes including "Megan we will miss you," were placed on a bench by passing shoppers.

FBI Explores Theories for Boston Terror Tip

The war on terrier.

Taser to Raise Power of Police Stun Gun

Sort of a windfall from a Nigerian bank account

"This is not a product redesign. It is a software upgrade," the company said in a statement posted on its Web site. "A helpful analogy would be ... installing the latest
service updates to a Windows computer operating system."

Student Sent Home for Handmade 'Gay' Shirt

In a more inflected language, the adjectives would agree in gender and number too.

Other students wore shirts with gangster themes, made of bubble-wrap or duct-tape. Zepeda said one student had a shirt "talking about his gender area."

Motorcycle Boomer Deaths Raise Concerns

Grammarians recommend that you live life in such a way that you avoid perfect infinitives
after a past conditional or especially on a motorcycle.

NHTSA figures also show that riders in their 30s and 40s who died were more likely than their younger counterparts to have been drinking

U.S. OKs Expanded Oil Drilling in Alaska

Bears use the area as a toilet

The Fish and Wildlife Service, which like the BLM is part of the Interior Department, has said the area around Lake Teshekpuk in the northeast corner of the NPRA is among the most important molting areas in the entire Arctic for wild geese. It is also used for calving and insect relief by herds of caribou.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

UCLA Corpse Scandal Probe Accents Security

Twice bitten is like a hot stove burn

"History tells us that you believe what somebody is going to do based on their past actions," he told the Times. "And if you've been bitten a couple times, you have to stay away from that dog."

60 Cats Found in Van After Traffic Stop

Started with one cat, it happens all the time

An officer pulled over the van because one of its taillights was out.

Harvard Chief Sorry for Comments in Speech

Projection means something in math too

Harvard's Faculty of Arts and Sciences' Standing Committee on Women told Summers in letter Tuesday that his remarks at the conference did not "serve our institution well."

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Report Says National Zoo Getting Better

No more zebra pyramids

The panel suggested the zoo clarify the responsibilities of all zoo staffers, create uniform training on zoo procedures, and identify people who are accountable for ensuring those procedures are followed.

Afghan Women Look to Jump-Start Businesses

Negative energy

Today, she employs 270 women who make gabions, large metal cages filled with rocks for flood control projects.

Arizona Park Wants To Kill Exotic Plants

They're attracted by grasshoppers

"Exotic plants are the skunk at nature's party."

Oldest African Elephant in U.S. Dies

Symmetry is important to a healthy elephant

Zoo keepers found the 9,000-pound female elephant named Peaches sprawled on the floor of an indoor enclosure Monday.

Dean Gaining Early Momentum in DNC Race

For women it's grapefruits

"Dean had the oranges," Fowler said, "but he couldn't make orange juice."

Saturday, January 15, 2005

W. Va. Gov. Gets Black Belt in Tae Kwon Do

Marital Arts

An extramarital affair led Wise to not seek re-election; fellow Democrat Joe Manchin will be inaugurated as his successor on Monday.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Ga. Evolution Stickers Ordered Removed

The slowest textbooks get eaten.

The Georgia case is one of several battles waged in recent years throughout the nation over what role evolution should play in science books.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Iraqi Elections Worry Some Conservatives

Old people

WASHINGTON - At age 79, Brent Scowcroft doesn't have much to lose if he speaks his mind.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

New Research Studies Diet-Cancer Links

On open white bread and butter, don't forget

"Fortunately, substituting pistachio-encrusted salmon and gingered brown basmati pilaf for roast beef with mashed potatoes and gravy is not a culinary sacrifice," Willett said in a JAMA editorial accompanying the studies.

Bush Picks Ex-Prosecutor for Homeland Post

They're used to collect bull semen

Chertoff would replace Tom Ridge, the department's first chief. "He leaves some very deep shoes to fill," Chertoff said of Ridge.

Bush Warns Social Security Opponents

The compound noun crisis

As to whether the current situation constitutes a crisis, he said, "You can call it whatever you want to call it, whatever adjective you want to describe the problem.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Chicago Campaign Donor Pleads Guilty

Paperclips meant for women and minorities

Prosecutors claimed he swindled the city out of $100 million, but Duff contended that the city lost no money because all the janitorial work promised under the contracts was performed.

"As a matter of fact, it was performed in exemplary fashion," said his lawyer Terrence H. Campbell as he left the courthouse.

In court papers, though, prosecutors likened Duff's argument to allowing someone accused of defrauding a bank "to admit that while in the bank he defrauded a teller of paperclips."

The two sides plan to resolve that dispute at his sentencing, which has not yet been scheduled.

Duff's mother and five others are due to start trial Jan. 20. They are accused of getting city contracts reserved for businesses run by women and minorities.

2 Arrests in Fatal Miss. Hospital Shooting

Clue, their son's father is his father's only child

The man fatally shot at the hospital was the son of a man who Dubose said shot himself and a woman at a Meridian home Sunday morning in an apparent murder-suicide attempt. Dubose said one of the suspects is the woman's son.

The man and woman found at the home did not suffer life-threatening injuries.

The fatal shooting victim's name was not immediately released by authorities.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Players Stage Rehearsal of Inauguration

Ramrod straight with a confidence interval of plus or minus two percentage points.

A 10-member honor guard stood ramrod straight, holding flagless polls but otherwise moving as they will on Inauguration Day.

DNC Chairman Candidates Focus on South

Tornado Bait

"Some people think we need to steer left. Some people think I would steer the party right. It's not about that. It's about expanding the bus," Roemer said.

L.A. Hospital Suspends Nurse after Death

Today's vital-signs monitors have snooze alarms

Alarms on the patient's vital-signs monitor were either turned off or lowered before she died Nov. 18 at Martin Luther King Jr./Drew Medical Center, the officials said.

Officials Find Ninth Victim of S.C. Wreck

It's Like Another Christmas in S.C.

Norfolk Southern has paid for hotel rooms and given $100 Wal-Mart gift cards or checks to people forced to evacuate.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Uniquitous Lasers Pose Aviation Problem

Laser News for People on Fixed Incomes

Under development for 2 1/2 years, the laser event recorder uses software algorithms to measure a laser's intensity and compute whether it could hurt a crew's eyes.

Its normally green display panel emits a yellow light if the plane is being tracked by a laser that can't harm vision. If that laser can affect vision, red will appear to warn the pilot to wear protective eye gear or take evasive action. The Navy Air Systems Command has also developed protective eyewear for different laser wavelengths, said James Darcy, a spokesman for the Navy Air Systems Command.

The device is smaller than a box of macaroni and cheese, runs on AA batteries and has a flash memory card that takes a picture of where the laser emanated.

Astronauts Confident of Shuttle Safety

High-speed consciousness-raising

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. - The astronauts who will make NASA's first shuttle flight since the Columbia disaster said Friday they are confident it will be a safe voyage, and while they won't be able to fix a hole the size of the one that doomed Columbia, they will have options the last crew did not. "There has been so much testing done that our confidence has gone way up," said Air Force Col. Eileen Collins, commander of the mission aboard Discovery. She noted that she and her crew have been "very, very heavily involved" in the day-to-day flight preparations and decision-making.

FBI Hunts Cross-Dressing Bank Robber

Ann Coulter

ATLANTA - The FBI is seeking help in nabbing a man who robbed an Atlanta bank dressed as a woman on Friday. Witnesses and investigators think the suspect was a man dressed as a woman, said Special Agent Gregory Jones of the federal agency's Atlanta office. The 6-foot-3 suspect wore dark glasses, a long black wig and a tan trench coat accessorized with a white scarf.


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