``I must give him his due. He has considerably cretinized me.'' Lautréamont

Pics click to enlarge.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

The Watchdog Awakes (NYT)

internet not for mockery of the NYT editorials

The Federal Election Commission finally did the right thing in ruling that the Internet must not be used as a conduit for unregulated political advertising.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Not Quite What We Had in Mind (NYT)

NYT advice inexplicably unsought by all

If replacing the White House chief of staff, Andrew Card Jr., with Joshua Bolten passes for a shake-up in this administration, the next two and a half years are going to be grim indeed.

Fake ID's at the Border Crossings (NYT)

a fear hits the NYT

advice : stop thinking about the border and start thinking about eliminating islamic nutballism

If border guards miss shipments of bombs or dangerous nuclear materials, the result could be catastrophic.

World Prepares for Total Solar Eclipse

women and children hardest hit

ACCRA, Ghana (AP) -- Tourists and scientists were gathering at spots around the world for the first total eclipse in years, a solar show that will sweep northeast from Brazil to Mongolia and blot out the sun across swathes of the world's poorest lands.

Monday, March 27, 2006

An Interview with Claire Berlinski (John Hawkings)

German tanks didn't have an ignition. They were diesel. That's how they got the great sound. Women don't know anything.

Claire Berlinski: The divide has always been there-European anti-Americanism is as old as America itself. It tends to flare up and then die down, flaring up generally at times of European insecurity. Certainly, since the end of the Cold War Europe has really come into its own, and unfortunately, Europe's own is historically rather an unattractive thing. If young Germans are now seen muttering darkly about how they deplore American militarism-a sentiment, I am persuaded, that represents nothing more than their own stifled longing to switch on the tank's ignition and thrill once again to the low deep rumble of its engine-it is certainly nothing new; Germans have complained for a very long time of these things. If we heard less of this during the Cold War, yes, of course it was because the alternative to our militarism was the hammer and sickle; this kind of choice does seem to sober people up.


France's Misguided Protesters (NYT)

longer recesses in kindergarten to be negotiated

French students should stop focusing on their privileges and heed President Jacques Chirac's call for creative dialogue.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Vandals Deface Mass. Sign Honoring Soldier

the roadside shrine effect

The words "oil," "Bush" and "Christian Crusade" and other phrases were written in black marker on the brown metal sign.

Bear Wrestler, Owner Criticized by PETA

PETA press release reworked by bored reporter

CLEVELAND -- Lance Palmer, a 140-pound high school wrestler and four-time state champ, taps into his wrestling skill whenever he takes on Ceaser Jr. Skill comes in handy when your opponent is a 650-pound black bear.

Frozen WWII Airman Gets Proper Burial

cremation of sam mcgee not considered

That all changed last year, when his frozen body was chipped out of a California glacier.

Speeding Tickets Help, Hurt Small Towns

the sound of the hysteric, handwringer and busybody

soap opera brought to motorists

"Safety _ it's a big thing with me. I would hate to see one child or one pedestrian get hurt in any way," Sutton said.

Thief Stuck in Bank's Chimney Rescued

now restricted from living within 1000 feet of a bank

GRANGER, Wash. -- A Washington man found stuck in a bank chimney didn't try to cover up his intent. "We asked him what he was doing down there and he said, 'What do you think? I'm trying to rob the bank," said Police Chief Robert Perales.

WashingtonPost.com Blogger Quits

Plagiarism is necessary. Progress implies it. It closely grasps an author's sentence, uses his expressions, deletes a false idea, replaces it with the right one. - Lautreamont

WASHINGTON -- A new conservative blogger for washingtonpost.com resigned Friday, a day after allegations surfaced that he had plagiarized movie reviews as a journalist in college.

A Fine That Fits the Crime (NYT)

the showing-no-emotion meme of badness

The S.E.C. needs to make Wall Street firms wince when they do something wrong.

The Factories of Lost Children (NYT)

fetuses chained to sewing machines

As long as we don't question the source of the inexpensive clothing we wear, children will die in factory fires overseas.

Go Away: You Can't Vote (NYT)

the democratic base

Many men and women who have paid their debts to society remain disenfranchised, even in states that guarantee them the right to vote.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Doctors Calls Could Have Been Captured

moral comedy

confusion of rules of war with criminal legal process

they don't subpoena spies ; they shoot them

WASHINGTON -- The National Security Agency would not have been barred from capturing communications between doctors and patients or attorneys and their clients during its controversial warrantless surveillance program, the Justice Department told Congress Friday.

Authorities Say Minister's Wife Confesses

mobile home probable

SELMER, Tenn. -- The wife of a minister found dead in the church parsonage has confessed to shooting him and fleeing to Alabama, where she was found the following night with their three young daughters, authorities said Friday.

Iraqis in Tal Afar question Bush's optimism

media still smarting from mention of the obvious

TAL AFAR, Iraq (Reuters) - U.S. President George W. Bush held up the northern town of Tal Afar this week as an example of progress being made in Iraq but many residents find it hard to share his optimism.

Pa. Woman Says Her Confession Was Coerced

maternal instinct succumbs to weak bladder

KITTANNING, Pa. -- A woman accused of trying to cut a fetus from her neighbor's womb testified Friday that police yelled and cursed at her, wouldn't let her use the bathroom and tightened her handcuffs before she finally gave them a statement.

Man Pleads Guilty to Killing Ind. Girl

human interest element for women

Stockelman's wife, Tabitha, said Friday that the DNA evidence convinced her of her husband's guilt.

"DNA does not lie," she said. "When I realized they had DNA that matched him, I went to the jail to tell him I was through."

Battle to overturn S. Dakota abortion law begins

it's not a battle, it's a vote.

that's what's supposed to happen.

convince people and you win.

The newly formed coalition South Dakota Campaign for Healthy Families said it would try to collect thousands of signatures aimed at giving voters the chance to pass judgment on what it called "the nation's most extreme abortion law."

Colo. School Bus Hits Cattle Truck

cattle suffer whiplash

WIGGINS, Colo. -- A school bus collided with a cattle truck in fog early Friday, injuring four students and sending animals spilling onto a northeastern Colorado highway in a chain-reaction accident, officials said.

Arizona Issues Warrant for Rescued Couple

traditional indian cloud seeding

Clark told the newspaper that Higgenbotham and his wife were arrested last year in Arizona, but never charged, on three felony counts, including possession of methamphetamine and possession of a shotgun.

L.A. Investigating Alleged Patient Dumping

perfectly good elderly woman discarded

LOS ANGELES -- Authorities are examining a surveillance tape that shows an elderly woman wandering Skid Row in a hospital gown and slippers as they investigate the practice of hospitals and police agencies dumping homeless people downtown.

Katrina Victims Hail Sheriff Who Took Ice

cold beer

JACKSON, Miss. -- Randy Walker swears he would have died from his diabetes after Hurricane Katrina had a sheriff not seized two FEMA trucks filled with ice and distributed it to residents, many of whom had to keep their insulin cold.

Now, that sheriff could be prosecuted on charges of interfering with a federal operation.

Pentagon: Russia Gave Saddam U.S. Intel

middle east heritage month

WASHINGTON -- The Russian government provided Saddam Hussein with intelligence on U.S. military movements and plans during the opening days of the war in 2003, according to a Pentagon report released Friday.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Iraq War Vet in Close Race in Illinois

why corporations don't seek advice from the mailroom

She told audiences that she supports the troops and believes that the United States must persevere long enough to give Iraqis a chance. But she asserted that President Bush's decision to invade Iraq was an error and that the war has been badly managed.

Voters Sue to Keep Diebold From Elections

it keeps the disabled from tampering with the count

The suit _ filed by the advocacy group Voter Action on behalf of about a dozen voters _ alleges that Diebold's touch-screen machines lack adequate security and aren't user-friendly for the disabled.

Tenn. Protesters Arrested for Blockages

special olympics

On Monday, hundreds of disabled people parked their wheelchairs in intersections around the state Capitol, shutting down traffic.

High Levels of Radioactive Material in Water

you can get any concentration you want by adding or taking away water

in fact it's part of engineering

run some rainwater through and you'd have no detectable material in short order

WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. -- High levels of a radioactive material _ nearly three times the amount permitted in drinking water _ were found in groundwater near the Hudson River beneath a nuclear plant, the owner said Tuesday.

Topinka Wins GOP Nod for Ill. Governor

nonstory story

blanks for names filled in, and filed

CHICAGO -- Illinois Treasurer Judy Baar Topinka narrowly edged out a conservative GOP rival to clinch the Republican nomination for governor late Tuesday, earning a chance to challenge Democratic Gov. Rod Blagojevich in November.

Slain Texas Social Worker Remembered

day off with pay

SAN ANTONIO -- Hundreds of state social workers gathered for a memorial service in honor of a slain administrator who was remembered as a dedicated public servant.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Bush Professes No Doubts on Iraq (WP)

actually a story about media yammer that bush has failed to go along with

this particular yammer plays on hyperbolic doubt - doubt about something that was sought out in order to produce doubt, but itself is of no interest

``how do you know it's a ball of wax? you don't see all of it. at most you see only the front surface...''

doubt in fact is based on interest, and comes up as part of ordinary planning and execution and adaptation. so interest is put out of action first by the media, to produce swarming doubt, doubt about everything.

bush failed to go along.

President Bush said today that if he had any doubts about U.S. success in Iraq, he would pull out U.S. troops immediately. But he said he harbors no such doubts, and he indicated that there would be no "complete withdrawal" while he remains president.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

The Stuff That Happened (NYT)

it's the motivated dot-connection effect : every picture is the same picture

this is in fact a source of comedy and brings the political right wing to the NYT editorial pages every day for amusement

fortunately not behind the pay firewall!

the best of both worlds.

The last three years have shown how little our national leaders understood Iraq, and have reminded us how badly attempts at liberation from the outside have gone in the past.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Flying Cow Leaves Two Police Cars in Flames

O sibile, si ergo.
Fortibus es in ero.
O nobili, deis trux!
Vates enim? causa an dux!

It's strange because it started out with a truck towing cattle, and ended in fire.

Man Dies in 3rd Shooting at Calif. Denny's

women eat at denny's so it's a woman-in-peril hook

how does the danger rank compared to living next to a registered sex offender

this will have to be worked out on TV

ANAHEIM, Calif. -- A gunman opened fire at a Denny's restaurant, killing one man and seriously wounding another, police said. It was the third fatal shooting in as many days at a Denny's in Southern California.

Times Admits Incorrectly ID'ing Hooded Man

translation : iraqi troops move into ``bad'' area easily, take insurgents at will, on their own

so all news items redirect you to the template story instead :

hopeless, like soap opera

NEW YORK -- The New York Times acknowledged in Saturday's editions that it incorrectly identified an Iraqi man in a front-page story as the hooded figure shown in a photograph from Abu Ghraib prison that became an icon of abuse by American captors.

An Immigration Breakthrough (NYT)

seven warning signs of a bad idea

Senator Arlen Specter's compromise on the overhaul of the nation's immigration laws has wisely elevated the discussion by endorsing a balanced approach.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Man Sought for Backyard Dungeon Rapes

the ``you never know'' soap lede that women tune in for

HARTSVILLE, S.C. -- Had Tonya Dixon realized the man living across the street was a convicted sex offender, she says she would never have moved with her family to a mobile home in a quiet, isolated neighborhood.

Talks With Iran (NYT)

NYT editors wield the big stick

If Iran is ready to seek a diplomatic resolution, it needs to show its seriousness by suspending all uranium enrichment activities.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Texas Firefighters Battle Strong Winds

colorful multiple choice lede

McLEAN, Texas -- Stiff wind swept across the dry Texas landscape Wednesday, challenging firefighters already weary from three days of battling wildfires that have blackened 840,000 acres and killed 11 people.

Fla. Girl's Killer Gets Death Sentence

no-emotion-showers are bad people in soap opera code

Smith, 39, showed no emotion Wednesday as state Circuit Judge Andrew Owens read the official sentences _ death for the murder count and life in prison for kidnapping and sexual battery.

UN creates new rights council

advances in morality : new rights discovered

UNITED NATIONS (Reuters) - The United Nations General Assembly created a new U.N. human rights body by an overwhelming majority on Wednesday, ignoring objections from the United States.

Chicago Neighborhood Grieves Two Killings

bathos enhancement for women

CHICAGO -- Siretha White hadn't yet had a piece of her birthday cake when someone opened fire from a passing car. One of the bullets came crashing through a first-floor window, killing the 10-year-old at a surprise party at her aunt's home.

The Internet Campaign Loophole (NYT)

competing medium decried

The House is showing its true colors with an attempt to turn the Internet into a free-flowing big-money trough for uncontrolled political spending.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Kerry takes another look at Presidency

guess what's in my magic hat

''When you get knocked on your ass and lose a race, you've got to stop and reflect on what you're doing, why you're doing it, what matters, and what's important. And I did," Kerry said in an interview in his Senate office on Thursday. ''There's a very different John Kerry now who is absolutely crystal clear about how I communicate what I need to communicate. . . . People are going to be looking for leadership."

Friday, March 10, 2006

We're the Phone Company We Don't Care Because We Don't Have to

drunk focus group

Dear Mr. Hardin

This is a great time to be our customer, and we're going to prove it. We're taking everything that matters to you about your local phone company and making it better _ starting with our name. Soon we will no longer be part of the Sprint Nextel family of companies. The familiar red diamond Sprint brand will be phased out. And you will come to know us as EMBARQ(tm).

Thursday, March 09, 2006

U.N. Union: 'No Confidence' in Annan

it's principled stand day

every principled stand ever printed has miraculously aligned with self interest

The union, representing over 5,000 staff at U.N. headquarters, said it was dismayed at many proposals in Annan's blueprint, especially the call to consider outsourcing a variety of U.N. services from translations to billing.

Seniors Suspended for Skunk-Oil Prank

political correctness

Some teachers and students still can't walk through the affected part of the building without retching.

Rat-Squirrel Not Extinct After All

unspoiled nature spoiled by rat-squirrel

The nocturnal rodent lives in Laotian forests largely unexplored by outsiders, because of the geographic remoteness and history of political turmoil.

Rumsfeld: Iraqis Would Deal With Civil War

the pantload press

One of Rumsfeld's chief critics in Congress, Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass., issued a statement after the hearing urging the administration to explain more fully what it would do in case of a civil war.

Bush Signs Renewal of Patriot Act

principled democrats and unprincipled repubicans cited

"Today marks, sadly, a missed opportunity to protect both the national security needs of this country and the rights and freedoms of its citizens," said Sen. Russ Feingold, D-Wis.

But Republicans want to take the law into the upcoming midterm elections to show they are acting to protect national security.

Dubai Firm Abandons U.S. Ports Deal

US political perfidy not mentioned

"It does provide a way forward and resolve the matter," said Scott McClellan, the White House press secretary "We have a strong relationship with the UAE and a good partnership in the global war on terrorism, and I think their decision reflects the importance of our broader relationship."

Company Blames SAT Scan Error on Weather

mr-science strategy used

"When there's moisture in the paper, it actually grows," said Pearson spokesman David Hakensen.

Two Killed in Violent Southern Storms

the homosexual community

"It's kind of like a yo-yo out there," Entergy Arkansas spokesman James Thompson said.

Feds May Relax Rules on Endangered Turtles

bureaucracy giving birth to new sub-bureaucray

SEATTLE -- Federal fish managers are proposing to relax rules designed to protect endangered leatherback sea turtles and allow some fishing off the West Coast under strict government supervision.

Bush Touts Grants to Religious Charities

conclusion : money goes to rabbis and ministers not to the poor

the poor are a product like news designed to attract money

MAD magazine : various religions have differing ideas of god but they all agree that he likes money

In recent months, a broad array of religious leaders, from Reform rabbis to evangelical ministers, have complained that the president's proposed budget cuts would fall primarily on the backs of the poor by restricting food stamps, Medicaid and other social spending, while preserving long-term tax cuts.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Cindy Sheehan Arrested After U.N. March

news manufacturers and manufacturees for the soap opera audience

NEW YORK -- Cindy Sheehan, who drew international attention when she camped outside President Bush's ranch to protest the Iraq war, was arrested Monday along with three other women during a demonstration demanding the withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq.

The Business of Government (NYT)

the only honest politician in the bunch

once you set up a massive flow of money for some program or another, a small cut is taken for the legislators controlling it

that's why the govenment loves huge programs for anything at all, it doesn't matter what

Cunningham had an objective and up-front rate sheet and played without favorites, is all

There are any number of object lessons in the downfall of former Representative Randy Cunningham, the greedy politician who took millions of dollars in bribes.

Whales in the Way of Sonar (NYT)

behooves is the Cavalry

At a time when evidence is mounting that sonar has been responsible for some of the whale strandings around the world, it behooves the Navy to use sonar with extreme caution.

Mr. Bush's Asian Road Trip (NYT)

or it may not have

aside from that it's too adjectival

adjectives are moods of the left

President Bush's spectacularly misconceived trip to Pakistan and India may have inflicted serious damage to American goals.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Bush, Putin Confer by Phone on Hamas, Iran

lede glued together and wrapped in bailing wire but not allowed to set for 24 hours before stressing

WASHINGTON -- President Bush emphasized the need for the radical movement Hamas to renounce violence since winning Palestinian parliamentary elections during a telephone conversation Saturday with Russian President Vladimir Putin.

New Orleans' Troubled Schools Get Overhaul

reporter word count quota story

anacoluthon the new style?

NEW ORLEANS -- The slimy mildew clinging to classroom walls for years, the termite-eaten floors, the paint peeling from school ceilings _ Hurricane Katrina washed all that way.

Rep. Wants More Data on Cruise Ship Crime

many struck by lightning

WASHINGTON -- Only five of the 28 people who disappeared from cruise ships in the past three years were found, according to data disclosed to Congress by the world's largest cruise lines.

Hawaii Officials Survey Damage From Rains

advantage of living on a hill surrounded by ocean bad for news hype

"If there's any further rains, it should flow pretty good to the ocean," he said.

UNC Graduate Charged With Attempted Murder

natives are restless

Derek Poarch, chief of the university police department, confirmed Saturday that Mohammed Reza Taheri-azar, a 22-year-old Iran native, told investigators he wanted to "avenge the deaths or murders of Muslims around the world."

US preparing for bird flu: agriculture secretary

likely outbreak of avian flu news stories

hysteria course set up

you heard it here first

KANSAS CITY, Missouri (Reuters) - U.S. Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns on Saturday said the United States was preparing for a likely outbreak of avian flu and assured consumers that poultry remains safe to eat.

Mice Are Key Tool in Quest for New Drugs

the glue trap menace

Always a mainstay of scientific research, mice have become a critical tool in the quest for new drugs and medical treatments.

Gliders Tracking Whale Calls, Ocean Waves

dyslexic scientists issue press release

next generation : acoustic anacoluthons

"The ability to be in the ocean all the time and do it over a sustained period _ people are doing it now," said Oscar Schofield, professor at the Institute of Marine and Coastal Science at Rutgers University.

UK, US to withdraw Iraq forces by early '07: papers

``papers report'' genre

watch for a ``looms'' followup

the get-what-you-want-in-the-headlines news strategy

The Bush administration and Pentagon have stated repeatedly there is no timetable for withdrawing troops from Iraq, and a U.S. military spokesman repeated that on Saturday.

New Orleans mayor campaigns -- in Houston

america's 500 school bus mayor

HOUSTON (Reuters) - In a sign of the times for his storm-stricken city, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin campaigned for re-election on Saturday -- in Houston.

US launches drive to plug leaks: Washington Post

it's, you know, like, classified information

criminal penalties apply

if you want a story, it should be about inappropriately classified stuff

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The Bush administration has launched several investigations to discourage government employees from leaking classified information to news reporters, The Washington Post reported in its Sunday edition.

Five Killed in North Carolina House Fire

it's hard to work bathos with math homework

women don't relate

Furniture, walls and floors in the house were charred, and the younger boy's math homework lay partially burned beside a small desk in one of the bedrooms.
whoa! what's this on the US domestic newswire?

bush's fault

BANGKOK (Reuters) - More than 5,000 Thai police prepared to keep the peace on Sunday at another major rally where protest leaders threaten street protests to oust Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra.

Father Charged in Death of His Children

appeared to be distraught

women, don't you love this detail?

Miranda's wife, Olga Miranda, picked through the debris of their home in northeast Charlotte. Shaken and tearful, she declined to talk.

Looking for a Home? Start at Your Computer

press release dot com

SEATTLE -- Years ago, Molly Bolanos looked for a home the old-fashioned way:

Chicago May Privatize Midway Airport

the economic loss is from spending

Dana Levenson, the city's chief financial officer, said the move is a possibility as the city looks for ways to raise cash without increasing taxes.

Soda Targeted in Fight Against Obesity

diet press release fad

Low-fat, low-cal, low-carb. Atkins, South Beach, The Zone. Food fads may be distracting attention from something more insidiously piling on pounds: beverages.

1 Man Missing in W.Va. Power Plant Fire

remains scattered over the northeast US

a thousand foot smokestack is cool though

MOUNDSVILLE, W.Va. -- Officials were letting a fire in a 100-story high smokestack burn itself out before resuming the search for the body of a worker presumed dead inside.

Police Issue Warnings About 'Choking Game'

substitute stiff-legged jumping

WHITEFIELD, N.H. -- Police and school officials are issuing warnings about a potentially fatal game gaining popularity among teenagers after the death of a 14-year-old boy.

AP: Thousands of Federal Cases Kept Secret

another crisis

WASHINGTON -- Despite the Sixth Amendment's guarantee of public trials, nearly all records are being kept secret for more than 5,000 defendants who completed their journey through the federal courts over the last three years. Instances of such secrecy more than doubled from 2003 to 2005.

Army to Launch Probe Into Tillman Death

news crisis drought addressed

"We are obligated to answer the family's questions, as we are with all grieving families," Curtin said.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Conyers Aides Say He Used Them as Servants

aides used as servants

have to check the thesaurus

DETROIT -- Three former aides to U.S. Rep. John Conyers say the lawmaker used them as baby sitters and personal servants while they were supposed to be working in his Michigan offices.

Okla. Fires Destroy Homes, Force Evacuations

fire news is meanwhile-news

every now and then a fire looms, but mostly it's meanwhile

Meanwhile, a fast-moving prairie fire scorched about 23,000 acres in Colorado's Yuma County. Up to six buildings were burned and four firefighters were injured before the blaze burned itself out, sheriff's officials said.

Family Settle Suit With Calif. Police

shooting the dog is traditional in police work

A police dog was released and Brunston threw down a sandal he had been holding in his hidden hand. Deputies began shooting, killing Brunston and the dog.

Victims' Relatives to Face Killer Nurse

an unlikely waiting in real life but a soap opera line in case some woman can be hooked

SOMERVILLE, N.J. -- For years, relatives of the victims of New Jersey's deadliest serial killer have waited to hear him explain why he murdered 22 people while working as a nurse in the state.


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