``I must give him his due. He has considerably cretinized me.'' Lautréamont

Pics click to enlarge.

Monday, February 28, 2005

U.S. Life Expectancy Rises to Record Level

There's no penalty for Parkinson's

Parkinson's replaced murder among the top causes of death.

Catholics to Continue Outreach to Jews

The first Palestinian Pope

Jewish leaders have become anxious about who will succeed John Paul and have been reaching out to his possible successors.

Elderly Couple Accused of Selling Pot

Might be a meat-sniffing dog

Armed with a search warrant and a drug-sniffing dog, troopers went to Williams' residence. The dog led troopers to a freezer in an outbuilding where the marijuana, worth an estimated $4,000, was hidden under frozen meat and other food, O'Bryan said.

For 5th Day, No Clues on Missing Fla. Girl

Yellow-ribbondom stage reached in Jessica story

Before his emotional appeal, Lunsford placed a purple sign in his yard with the words "Bring Jessica Home" written over the image of a yellow ribbon.

Mich. Community Still Not Over Shooting

The pathetic fallacy falls from the sky, crushing AP reporter

MOUNT MORRIS TOWNSHIP, Mich. - Buell Elementary School sits vacant, its windows dark, the schoolyard silent under a blanket of snow.

U.S. Pushes U.N. on Abortion Declaration

The woman-as-factory model

UNITED NATIONS - Ten years after a landmark U.N. conference adopted a platform aimed at global equality for women, the United States is demanding that a declaration issued by a follow-up meeting make clear that women are not guaranteed a right to abortion.

Serial Killers Crave Power, Experts Say

Serial killers crave notariety, criminologists crave power.

Killers such as the Kansas man who called himself BTK are "basically losers" who never distinguished themselves except through brutality, according to James Alan Fox, a Northeastern University criminologist and author of the book "Extreme Killing."

BTK Suspect's Arrest Upsets Kan. Church

The church usher going bad template

"We feel dismay, anger, devastation, utter shock and disbelief. The very foundation of our faith is shaken," Gerald Mansholt, bishop of the Central States Synod of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, said during Sunday's service.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Scott and Laci Peterson's Families Argue

Bygones remembered

Neighbors reported a loud argument between Laci Peterson's mother, Sharon Rocha, and Scott Peterson's mother, Jackie Peterson, and his brother, John, as the Petersons carried belongings to a rental truck, police said.

Driver's License Bill Concerns Groups

Moreover a continuing open-ended blank check

Larry Pratt, executive director of Springfield, Va.-based Gun Owners of America, says the bill "hands an open-ended blank check" to the government to collect information about people.

Clinton: Hillary Would Be Great President

Wrong question in the news

Results from a U.S. poll released last week showed that six in 10 American voters believe the United States is ready for a female president.

Black Leaders Discuss Political Checklist

The template of demading makes them leaders

There was no consensus on how the contract would be used. More meetings will be held to develop the list, which could include as many as 10 priorities.

Cub Scout Leader Arrested in BTK Killings

Also called the clove-hitch killer

BTK - a self-coined nickname that stands for "Bind, Torture, Kill" - stoked fears throughout the 1970s in Wichita, a manufacturing center with 350,000 residents, about 180 miles southwest of Kansas City, Mo.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Americans Recall Experiences With Pope

scarred for life

"It hurt. I thought about how great he looked when he talked to me, and to see him there - it's like part of your family," Rice said. "I never met a man like the pope. Just meeting him was like God standing there. It was nothing but love, warmth, kindness and goodness."

HIV Infection Rate Among Blacks Doubles

Suggest bussing and magnet diseases

At the same time, the HIV infection rate among whites has held steady, causing alarm among some health officials who say the racial gap in the epidemic is widening.

Schwarzenegger: No Regrets About Steroids

An elephant is a joy forever. What goes up is a girl's best friend. He who hesitates spoils the broth. In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is worth two in the bush.

The former seven-time Mr. Olympia said he would not encourage drug use because it sent the wrong message to children.

Suspect in BTK Killings Arrested in Kan.

The dunking bird of literary composition

The new letters sent chills through Wichita, but also rekindled hope that modern forensic science could find some clue that would finally lead police to a killer most thought was dead or safely locked in prison for some other crime.

Search Resumes for Missing Girl in Fla.

Another little Jessica rivets the attention of the nation's media

More than 250 people gathered at Faith Baptist Church on a cool, overcast morning to join the search for Jessica Marie Lunsford.

Third Woman Sues Gorilla's Caretakers

Hostile work environment

Rivera, an administrative assistant at the foundation until she quit last month, claims Patterson told her last year that Koko was signing that "she wants to see your nipples."

Friday, February 25, 2005

Ex-Stripper Psychotherapy License Probed

Help for depressed salesmen

BOSTON - An ex-stripper who once strutted her stuff as Princess Cheyenne in Boston's "Combat Zone" is under investigation by the state for allegedly practicing psychotherapy without a license.

Schiavo Case Highlights Eating Disorders

Food irony

It is a cruel twist lost on no one close to the case: A woman who is said to have struggled with an eating disorder is now in the middle of a court battle over whether her feeding tube should be removed so that she can starve to death.

Widow: Thompson Shot Himself on Phone

Let's talk about me

His suicidal talk put a strain on their relationship, she said.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

FAA Outlines New Aircraft Black Box Rules

The aviation color paradox story

New aircraft must have black boxes - which are actually orange - that meet the new standards two years after the rule is in force.

Lawsuit Asks FDA to Regulate Salt Use

Was part of Walter Winchell's act

"There is no way the FDA can look at the science and say with a straight face that salt is `generally recognized as safe,'" said CSPI general director Michael Jacobson.

Rescue Crews Struggle With Storm Damage

Lack of creative thinking

LOS ANGELES - For firefighters, there's little time to stop and eat or even use the restroom.

Working-Age People With Jobs on Decline

Capitalistic tragedy

"I looked for probably six or seven months really hard and couldn't come up with anything at all," recalls Merrill, who is now 56 and lives in Reading, Mass. "It was very exasperating," Merrill remembers. To help pay the bills, he turned to painting houses.

Prehistoric 'Bear-Dog' Fossil Unearthed

Link to the despicable Schweinhund

Also found on the site just west of Fresno were the most complete remains yet discovered in the San Joaquin Valley of a bear-dog creature that ruled what once was a savannah-like environment.

Stewart, a research associate at the National History Museum in Los Angeles, said his team found a jaw bone and an inch-long fang from what they estimate was a 200-pound creature.

"They look something like a large pit bull," Stewart told the San Francisco Chronicle. "They're very tough customers."

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Thompson's Ashes May Be Shot From Cannon

1. Canonized
2. Why not a daisy-cutter or MOAB

If the Thompson job were his, Williams said, he would probably blast the ashes from a 12-inch-diameter mortar 800 feet into the sky. Then a second, window-rattling blast would scatter them amid a blossom of color 600 feet across.

"If you were going to light up a flash-bomb worthy of Hunter S. Thompson, you'd want to make it an earth-shaker," Williams said.

GOP Senators Want Eastern Wash. As a State

Eastern WA bridles under Shariah law

Morton argues that Eastern Washington has its own distinct culture, lifestyle and agriculture-driven economy. And he says growth development restrictions and other regulations imposed by Western Washington politicians and bureaucrats put a stranglehold on his area.

"It's not sour grapes. It's common sense," he said. "People who think alike should be united."

Schwarzenegger, Unions Clash Over Pension

Grim scenerio for $2 trillion

Unions, pension fund managers and their allies nationwide are fighting the idea, calling it a power grab designed to stifle the growing influence of the nation's public pension funds, which collectively manage about $2 trillion in assets. They warn of grim scenarios of ruined pensions and impoverished future retirees cast cruelly to the fates of the financial markets.

Key West Prosecutor Faces Streaking Charge

Conspicuous swerve to avoid the word ``impropriety''

Tasker, 28, was arrested Monday morning and faces charges of disorderly intoxication and indecent exposure, both misdemeanors. Officials with the State Attorney's Office said a request has been sent to Gov. Jeb Bush's office to appoint a special prosecutor to handle the complaints to avoid any appearance of a conflict of interest.

Conn. Officials Shelve Abortion Proposal

Roe v. Zdonczyk

Caiazzo proposed the resolution at the suggestion of Joe Zdonczyk, who heads a minor political party formed to oppose abortion. Zdonczyk maintained the ban was important, even if it would be trumped by Roe v. Wade.

Former Airport Worker Sues Security Co.

How do you demote an airport screener?

Bencomo said he was demoted and eventually forced to quit.

Calif. Braces for More Rain; 9 Killed

The 16-year-old will go straight to heaven, assuming she was not in fact viewing porn

Among the victims was a Nevada woman caught in an avalanche while cross-country skiing near Lake Tahoe, and a 16-year-old Orange County girl doing homework on a computer when a mudslide crashed through the wall of her home.

Anti-Hunger Group: Nutrition Programs OK

Bush fails to consider allowing lottery ticket purchases with food stamps, which would make it self-supporting

The group also worries that Bush's proposal to cap discretionary spending for five years would prevent the Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants and Children, or WIC, from keeping up with program growth and higher costs.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Court to Hear Battle Over Eminent Domain

Come off it, Mr. Dent. You can't win, you know.

Susette Kelo and several other homeowners filed a lawsuit after city officials announced plans to bulldoze their residences to clear the way for a riverfront hotel, health club and offices.

'Granny-Cam' Initiative Draws Support

Treasured memories

Stephen Bright said that legislators may be moved by the story of Ryan, an 81-year-old with Alzheimer's disease who was beaten to death at Dallas County Nursing Home in Fordyce in 2003.

Thompson Death Marks End of Literary Era

Reporter grasps at litotes

Looking back at the era's passing, he added with no small measure of disappointment: "You can almost see the high-water mark - the place where the wave finally broke and rolled back."

Monday, February 21, 2005

Group Remembers Malcolm X at NYC Theater

Aristotle X

"Malcolm didn't build buildings or pass legislation," said the activist Sharpton. "He taught us how to think. And when he changed our minds, we could build buildings and we could pass legislation."

CDC Chief: Bird Flu Could Become Epidemic

With global warming, that's two brinks

WASHINGTON - The Earth may be on the brink of a worldwide epidemic from a bird flu virus that may mutate to become as deadly and infectious as viruses that killed millions during three influenza pandemics of the 20th century, a federal health official said Monday.

1792 Penny Sells for $437,000 at Auction

Negligible mathematical importance

"The historical importance of this coin cannot be overstated," said Michael Sherman, vice president of Professional Coin Grading Service, which directed a team of experts who authenticated the coin.

Skydiver, 96, Hurt in Bid to Set Record

``Brother go find other'' method of finding lost objects

Slowly, he dropped out of sight into distant trees, landing in an old gravel pit.

School Nurses Want More Terror Preparation

Health care

In Ohio, at a session this month in suburban Youngstown, many of the nurses in attendance responded with a collective sigh as Strouse displayed photos of a baby covered with smallpox.

Screenings Help Check Brain Function

diagnosed like an open book

For example, a healthy person could easily interpret "Don't judge a book by its cover." But someone with cognitive problems might say it means you have to read a book to know what's in it.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Edwards Will Not Limit White House Options

Sweep your light under a carpet

Edwards said while his faith seeps into every part of his life, he is reluctant to make it part of campaigning.

Panelists Decry Bush Science Policies

Scientists like money

WASHINGTON - The voice of science is being stifled in the Bush administration, with fewer scientists heard in policy discussions and money for research and advanced training being cut, according to panelists at a national science meeting.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Women Sue Over Gorilla's Breast 'Fetish'

The gorilla urine is a guy practical joke.

In addition to the alleged harassment, the two former workers claimed the Woodside facility had unsanitary and unsafe conditions, including rodents in the food preparation area and gorilla urine stored in the refrigerator where workers kept their lunches.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Prison Board Releases Brain-Dead Inmate

Don't forget good behavior

The state Board of Prison Terms released him from custody and discharged him from parole, giving him credit for time served and waiving his remaining parole requirement.

Minn. Uses AstroTurf for Quieter Highways

How highway engineers think

"What we have out there now, if you were riding a bike and fell on it, it would rip all the meat off your bones. It is very skid resistant," said Rettner, who now is principal engineer for American Engineering Testing Inc. in St. Paul.

Thousands Renew Vows in Arkansas

Marriages expire every four years in Arkansas

NORTH LITTLE ROCK, Ark. - Thousands of couples joined Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee and first lady Janet Huckabee in renewing their wedding vows at a Valentine's Day ceremony supporting the state's voluntary covenant-marriage law that makes divorce harder to obtain.

Keyes' Daughter Calls Self 'Liberal Queer'

Global warming

ANNAPOLIS, Md. - The daughter of conservative Republican Alan Keyes referred to herself Monday as a "liberal queer" and urged support for gay and lesbian young people who have been deserted by their families.

Chocolate Industry Eyed for Child Labor

former wife

Sen. Tom Harkin, D-Iowa, said Monday he's buying his wife flowers instead of chocolate for Valentine's Day and encouraged others to do the same.

Mom-To-Be Says 'Instinct' Aided Survival

Battle of maternal instincts

FORT MITCHELL, Ky. - A pregnant woman who killed her attacker said a maternal instinct helped her fight off the woman who investigators believe was after her unborn child.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Police: Man Sought Suicide Pacts for Years

Advantage: they don't want you to hold them afterwards

PORTLAND, Ore. - A man who used an Internet chat room to try to set up a mass suicide on Valentine's Day had been trying to persuade women for at least five years to have sex with him and then kill themselves, a sheriff said Sunday.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Dean Ready to Take Charge of Democrats

Dean's star quality is in the disaster

"The question is how he will project the image of the Democratic National Committee," Harpootlian said. "The opinions on this range from disaster to huge success, and it's too early to tell."

Friday, February 11, 2005

Study Calls for Tenure Flexibility

Q. When doesn't ``exceptional'' mean ``an exception''? A. THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

Also on Thursday, three other university presidents - Shirley Tilghman of Princeton, Susan Hockfield of MIT and John Hennessy of Stanford - issued their own letter responding to Summers' comments. The Harvard president suggested at a conference last month that innate differences between the sexes may partly explain why fewer women than men reach top university science jobs.

"Speculation that 'innate differences' may be a significant cause of underrepresentation by women in science and engineering may rejuvenate old myths and reinforce negative stereotypes and biases," wrote the three presidents, all scientists by training.

They continued: "The question we must ask as a society is not 'can women excel in math, science and engineering?' - Marie Curie exploded that myth a century ago - but 'how can we encourage more women with exceptional abilities to pursue careers in these fields?'"

Apprentice Monk Admits Killing Nun

Health class

MIAMI - An apprentice monk pleaded guilty Thursday to stabbing and beating a nun to death and got 30 years in prison in a deal with prosecutors, who offered him leniency because of evidence he was molested by two priests.

'Mr. DWI' Notches Another Arrest in S.D.

If it weren't for the drunks, a lot of them wouldn't be mothers. -F.T.Grampp

"I don't know what to say," said Lila Doud, president of the Pennington County chapter of Mothers Against Drunk Driving. "We have just absolutely got to get him off the road so he doesn't kill someone, because we know it's going to happen, sooner or later."

School Buildings on LA Fault to Be Removed

Mel Brooks's thousand year old child saved

Romer said there is no immediate danger to students of University High, which is located on the city's west side, near the University of California, Los Angeles.

"The good thing is we got on it and we're ahead of it," he told reporters at the school. "You know, it may not happen in 1,000 years, but at least if you've got a child in that gym, you're going to feel better about it."

House OKs Tougher Driver's License Laws

Fortunately it doesn't matter

"Today there are over 350 valid driver's license designs issued by the 50 states," said the bill's author, House Judiciary Committee Chairman James Sensenbrenner, R-Wis. "We all know it's very difficult for security officials at airports to tell the real ID cards from the counterfeit ones."

Sharing a Language Can Help Diplomacy

Accent the result of a traffic accident

German-born Henry Kissinger maintained his fluency in German and to this day has not lost his German accent.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

FCC Chiefs Want Open Government Law Eased

FCC deprived of dirty words

WASHINGTON - Congress should enact changes to open government laws to make it easier for political appointees on the Federal Communications Commission to discuss issues in private, two FCC members said.

No-Shows Annoy Group Probing 2004 Election

Women's issues

Rep. Juanita Millender-McDonald of California, the top Democrat on the committee, said "the arrogance of these secretaries of state to not be here today is an affront."

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Colo. Professor Issues Defiant Speech

Circle wagons

BOULDER, Colo. - An embattled University of Colorado professor who likened Sept. 11 victims to Nazis got a standing ovation when he told a campus audience of more than 1,000 people that "I'm not backing up an inch."

Idaho School Bus Driver Gets Drug Charge

Hate crime

Officials said the children were not physically injured but state law allows the charge of injury to a child if an adult drives child passengers while intoxicated.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Kevorkian Back in Prison After Surgery

Foot & Thumb disease

Mayer Morganroth said Kevorkian returned to the Thumb Correctional Facility in Lapeer on Sunday. Morganroth said Kevorkian will receive some follow-up treatment, but he didn't know if it would be at the prison or elsewhere.

"They don't really tell us. They just grab him and take him to the hospital," Morganroth said.

Kevorkian, 76, is serving a 10- to 25-year sentence for second-degree murder after being convicted of giving a fatal injection to a Lou Gehrig's disease patient in 1998.

He underwent surgery Friday at Foote Hospital in Jackson. Kevorkian was kept under guard and apart from other patients

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Rice: U.S. Wants Iraq to Remain Whole

stick with ``season's greetings'' on Christmas card list

Rice was to meet Sunday with President Ahmet Necdet Sezer and Foreign Minister Abdullah Gul. She saw Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan on Saturday.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Chicago Lays Blame in 2003 Porch Collapse

On purpose, too

In its lawsuit, the city alleges the collapse happened after Fenton-Hathaway and Koranda "intentionally and negligently began to jump up and down on the porch."

Police: Mother Confesses to Starving Kids

her starving children, starving her children, whatever

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. - The mother of three children found dead in a Huntsville apartment has confessed to starving her children, police said Saturday.

Symptoms of a Stroke

Difficulty with coordinate constructions

Difficulty or inability to speak.

Sharpton Joins Call for Boycott of KFC


NEW YORK - The Rev. Al Sharpton has joined PETA in calling for a boycott of fast-food chain KFC, in a new TV and radio campaign.

Idaho Killer Claude Dallas to Be Released

Sautee'd in a white sauce

According to evidence at the trial, Pogue, who had drawn his own weapon, was hit first with a shot from Dallas' handgun. Dallas then shot Elms two times in the chest as the warden emerged from the trapper's tent, where he'd found poached bobcats.

Professor Refuses to Apologize for Comment

Not ready for a remedial interchange

"I don't believe I owe an apology," Ward Churchill said Friday on CNN's "Paula Zahn Now" program.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Washington May Not Have Only Hazmat Ban

So 68 cities are destroyed every year

The railroad association says its safety record shows that rerouting isn't necessary: Of 1.7 million carloads of hazardous materials shipped annually, 99.996 percent arrive safely.

Biologists Planning to Study Pelicans

1. Moral decline
2. Gavest thou goodly wings unto the peacocks? or wings and feathers unto the ostrich? Which leaveth her eggs in the earth, and warmeth them in dust, and forgetteth that the foot may crush them, or that the wild beast may break them. She is hardened against her young ones, as though they were not hers: her labor is in vain without fear.

Biologists still are baffled about why some 28,000 birds showed up to nest at the refuge in early April but took off in late May and early June, abandoning their chicks and eggs

Marine General Counseled Over Comments

The B-52's with ``NYPD'' painted on them were over the top as well

The Council on American-Islamic Relations, a Muslim civil liberties group, called on the Pentagon to discipline Mattis for the remarks.

"We do not need generals who treat the grim business of war as a sporting event," said the council's executive director, Nihad Awad. "These disturbing remarks are indicative of an apparent indifference to the value of human life."

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Harvard President Names New Women Panels

Fart jokes, a right-brain activity?

The task force on women will be chaired by Evelynn Hammonds, a professor of history of science and of African and African-American studies.

Woman Accused of Giving Sherry Enema

Lips that touch alcohol shall never touch mine

LAKE JACKSON, Texas - A woman has been indicted on negligent homicide charges for allegedly giving her husband a sherry enema that killed him.

Five Florida Firefighters Disciplined

Traditional word from the chief

"I hope people won't judge the entire department by these four or five individuals."

Rare Plant Species Nearly Wiped Out

A rare Western Backhoe

MARSHALL, Calif. - One of California's rarest plants was nearly wiped out of existence when county workers used a backhoe to unclog a roadside drain in the species' sole habitat.

Women Provide Emotion at State of Union

The women's page

Some women traded traditional red and blue garb for suits that spanned a spectrum of purple, from lavender to violet. A few men sported purple ties.

Cremated Remains Found in Rental Home

Teepee basements gave us sacred Indian burial grounds

The tenant apparently once worked at a funeral home, Holmes said. But why the remains were in his basement is unclear.

2 New York Men Diagnosed With Rare STD

What a coincidence

Conductor Wins $8.5M in Crash Settlement

FT + CT -> FTCT + alcohol

RIVERSIDE, Calif. - A train conductor won an $8.5 million settlement from a railroad after claiming that a 2002 collision between his commuter train and a freight train worsened his alcoholism.

Analysis: Bush Touches Upon 'Third Rail'

The subway of hope

Gingerly touching the third rail of politics, Bush said in his State of the Union address, "I have a message for every American who is 55 years or older: Do not let anyone mislead you.

Band Teacher Charged in 16 Abuse Cases

Possession of child-molester tools

Robert Sperlik Jr., 45, is accused of using duct tape to tie elementary school students to chairs and inappropriately touching them, according to court documents.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Watchdog Group Seeks Christian Group Probe

An arm writing, and arm holding and lobbying

Focus officials said the article was written under the umbrella of its lobbying arm, Focus on the Family Action. That organization operates under a different set of tax criteria, and its money can be used for lobbying.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Banker Acquitted in Philadelphia Probe

The liar paradox

Carlson said he felt vindicated. "I think I've always told the truth," he said.

Fla. Refers Health Misconduct Allegations

Bureaucrats discover litotes

But the department hasn't done that in many cases since 1992, the Department of Health's inspector general said in a report released last week. State Health Secretary John Agwunobi said he was "embarrassed, not a little angry, and very disappointed" about the failure to do so.

N.Y. Teens Charged in Actress' Slaying

The former Maria Mezzanine

Nicole duFresne, 28, her fiance and another couple were leaving a bar in the Lower East Side, a once-gritty section of Manhattan now known for its hip nightspots, early Thursday when they were approached by a group of youths who demanded money, police said.

Jury Deliberates Case of Dismembered Woman

Social authorities intrude on another family

Bautista claims he accidentally killed his mother after she lunged at him with a knife.

Man Shocked With Stun Gun 9 Times Dies

1. The inmate kept removing his invisible fence collar
2. Tasers are like decaf, which you have to drink a ton of to stay awake
3. Felino-American civil rights violation

TOLEDO, Ohio - A county inmate died after being shocked nine times with a stun gun, authorities said Tuesday.

Smuggling Crackdown Targeting Ring Leaders

Targeting masters of the minds is next

PHOENIX - A 16-month-old crackdown on migrant smuggling - already credited with cutting down on assaults and kidnappings - is now targeting leaders of the rings that make millions of dollars sneaking people across the border.


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