``I must give him his due. He has considerably cretinized me.'' Lautréamont

Pics click to enlarge.

Sunday, July 31, 2005

UN nominee derided by Democrats as 'damaged goods'

Democrat scratch and dent press conference

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Top Senate Democrats on Sunday derided President Bush's embattled nominee for U.N. ambassador, John Bolton, as "damaged goods" and warned that his expected appointment without Senate confirmation cast doubt on U.S. credibility.

Boy Who Vanished From Yankee Stadium Found

probably got on the subway

Detective John Sweeney, a police spokesman, declined to elaborate on how or why Majelique Lewis ended up in another borough.

Discovery crew may have to repair shuttle

putty also useful in theoretical work

But NASA has discovered two protruding gap fillers, which is material used to fill any minute gaps between heat shield tiles. A decision about whether the crew will be asked to fix them is expected on Monday, Hill said.

Study: Warming Making Hurricanes Stronger

crisis mongering making government funding bigger

Is global warming making hurricanes more ferocious? New research suggests the answer is yes. Scientists call the findings both surprising and "alarming" because they suggest global warming is influencing storms now _ rather than in the distant future.

Lottery Promotion Irks Two Kansas Towns

romantic entanglements

"I'm not pleased about it," said Remschner. "We work hard at getting rid of the stigma about western Kansas."

Clover said Cawker City has plenty to offer romance seekers, including a motel across the street from the city's 8,000-pound ball of twine that has hosted newlyweds.

"It's very nice," Clover said. "You'd be surprised."

Boy Scout Leaders Recall Lightning Storm

lightning stories are all climax

St. HELENA, Calif. -- Boy Scout troop leader Stuart Smith was listening to the rain and the sound of laughter from boys who had just eaten pea-sized pieces of hail. The next instant he was flat on his back, returning to consciousness with the dim knowledge that they had all been hit by lightning.

Ohio Woman Facing Theft Charges Kills Self

typical high-maintenance girlfriend

DELAWARE, Ohio -- A woman accused of tricking people into giving her money by pretending she had cancer died after setting herself on fire, authorities said.

Minnesota Woman Injured in Bear Attack

dropping bread crumbs not advised

CARLTON, Minn. -- A woman was severely injured when she was attacked by a black bear while walking in woods in northeast Minnesota, officials said.

Rescue Teams Search for Missing Ranger

probably eaten by larger animal

ROCKY MOUNTAIN NATIONAL PARK, Colo. -- Teams searched Rocky Mountain National Park for a ranger who was last seen leaving for a patrol in the park's backcountry.

Experts: Scouts Unprepared for Jamboree

here be dragons

Sam Waltz Jr., a crisis management specialist from Wilmington, Del., said organizers should have laid out a grid map in advance that clearly identified danger areas where power lines hang and planned for tents to be set up far away.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Tribe Wants Reservation Purged of Ordnance

flaming arrow drop zone

RED SHIRT, S.D. -- Oglala Sioux Tribe leaders hope the removal of unexploded ordnance from a former bombing range on the Pine Ridge reservation will clear the way for tourists who want to visit and learn about Indian culture.

Teele's Legacy in Doubt After Suicide

term limits

"I think he'll be most remembered for his exit," said Marvin Dunn, a psychology professor at Florida International University who has studied Miami's black community.

Astronomers Claim Discovery of 10th Planet

call them wanderers

Brown labeled the object as a 10th planet, but there are scientists who dispute the classification of Pluto as such. There is no official definition for a planet and setting standards like size limits or orbital patterns potentially invites other objects to take the "planet" label.

Robin, Not Crow, May Be West Nile Culprit

offer them blueberries. robins kill for blueberries.

But testing the theory may be tough. Robins _ the state bird of Connecticut, Michigan and Wisconsin _ are wily in avoiding the nets, researchers said.

First Wind Farm in National Forest Planned

it can heat the caves of 17,000 bears

There are other concerns, including whether the project will disrupt the habitat of black bears or migratory birds in the forest.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Extended Daylight-Saving Plan Worries Some

if a bus sees its shadow, it snaps

"I don't think that it's safe," said Nikki McIntosh of Little Rock, whose children Myah, 12, and Alex, 11, occasionally ride a bus to school.

Calif. Lightning Strike Kills Scout Leader

it's like winning the lottery

FRESNO, Calif. -- Lightning struck a group of Boy Scouts taking shelter from a storm, killing the troop leader and leaving a 13-year-old boy brain-dead in the latest tragedy to befall the organization this week, authorities and the teen's grandfather said.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

'Ghetto Talent Show,' Watermelon Eating Contest Outrages Community

watermelon shame

"The word 'ghetto' was used to imply a down home show, not something offensive, but embracing the culture of today's youth and their language," he said.

Church and community leaders said that changing the name isn't enough -- the damage has already been done.

Scout Jamboree Increases Safety Measures

taking the fun out of scouting

Increased safety procedures were put in place Tuesday at the jamboree.

Shuttle Discovery Blasts Into Orbit

made-up news

At stake were not only the lives of the astronauts, but also America's pride in its technological prowess, the fate of the U.S. space program and the future of space exploration itself.

Blistering Heat Wave Causes More Misery

NOAA budget PR and media pandering converge in summer heat hype.

COLUMBUS, Ohio -- Temperatures soared past 100 in several cities, and the National Weather Service posted excessive heat warnings and advisories from Illinois to Louisiana and from Nebraska to the District of Columbia. Some areas weren't expected to receive a break until Wednesday.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Experts: Youngsters Trying Riskier Stunts

just the opposite : they carve out an identity against experts

Others note that young risk-takers may react the way they do because they've grown up with constant stimulation from video games and TV.

A Few Pointers About Kickball

no drinking

_ Eight to 11 players can play the field, and four must be women.

Angry Americans Want to Take Souter's Land

the mob template

Souter has declined to comment on the matter, but he has defenders, like Betty Straw, his sixth-grade teacher.

"I think it's absolutely ridiculous," she said. "They're just doing it for spite."

Disabled Kids Play T-Ball at White House

you don't ever see a wheelchair rifle team

WASHINGTON -- Little League players rounded the bases on foot and in wheelchair at the White House Sunday as President Bush welcomed children with mental and physical disabilities for a game of T-ball on the South Lawn.

Gert Takes Aim at Mexico's Gulf Coast

continuing weather crisis expert opinion

"The primary threat with this system is rainfall," said Richard Pasch, a hurricane specialist at the National Hurricane Center in Miami. "And rains from Gert will reach some of the areas earlier affected by Emily, which would pose an increased flood threat."

NASA to Launch Even if Problem Recurs

nasa adjusts amount of soap opera used in decisions downwards

"These are rather arcane matters, I would admit. They're rather difficult and sometimes they don't always present well," Griffin said. "But in the long run, I think if it's the right thing, we can explain it to you, and you want us doing what's right, not what necessarily is obvious or popular."

Man Survives Almost 5 Hours in Buzzards Bay

from back when people could swim

He is an experienced swimmer and scuba diver, and that probably helped him survive, Girouard said.

3 Dead in Twin-Engine Plane Crash in Okla.

the domestic disaster template : X killed including Y children. women relate to children.

ADA, Okla. -- Three family members, including an 11-year-old girl, were killed Sunday when their twin-engine aircraft crashed and burned along a highway, authorities said.

Triple-Digit Temperatures Scorch Midwest

helping them across the street used to be the good deed, but anybody could do that. now there's a roundup.

CHICAGO -- Sweat-drenched city workers checked on senior citizens Sunday and shuttled people to cooling centers as temperatures surpassed the 100-degree mark here for the first time in six years.

Bush aide waited to inform staff of CIA leak probe

the soap opera audience probably is no longer following this

"The real question now is, who did the chief of staff speak to? Did the chief of staff pick up the phone and call (Bush political adviser) Karl Rove? Did the chief of staff pick up the phone and call anybody else?" Biden said.

Genetics Leave Felines Without Sweet Tooth

senior citizen market

The study was paid for, in part, by the research arm of the pet food giant Mars Inc., which is looking to make better-tasting cat food.

Boy Scouts Prepare for Jamboree in Va.

the constitution merit badge

A lawsuit filed by the American Civil Liberties Union of Illinois contends that the Defense Department's sponsorship violates the First Amendment because the Scouts require members to swear an oath of duty to God.

Sen. Clinton Reinforces Ties to Moderates

world's most inept politician

Activists gathered for the meeting were talking tough on fighting terrorism, calling for a larger Army and new protections for
children through a uniform media rating system.

Black Leaders Plan Lynching Re-Enactments

redneck culture

"This is a stain on our history, and a burden on our soul," Brooks said. "But the stain can be erased, and the burden can be lifted. The eyes of the nation shall now focus on Monroe, Georgia, just as the eyes of the nation focused on Philadelphia, Mississippi, and Birmingham, Alabama," he said, referring to the recent prosecutions and convictions in civil-rights era slayings in those cities.

Bill Pushed to Stop Drivers From Smoking

financial-planner rebellion

"The day a politician wants to tell me I can't smoke in my car, that's the day he takes over my lease payments," said John Cito, a financial planner from Hackensack with a taste for $20 cigars.

U.S. Makes Final Push for Trade Pact

you could make the economic case if you knew it

"This bill is more than a trade bill," Bush said Thursday in a speech to the Organization of American States. "This bill is a commitment of freedom-loving nations to advance peace and prosperity throughout the Western Hemisphere."

Police Crack Accused Child Molester's Code

mirror writing

Schwartzmiller was arrested earlier this month after investigators said they discovered notebooks with 36,700 handwritten entries of boys' names, descriptions of their anatomy and codes for suspected sex acts.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Court Vote Fraught With 2008 Politics

imaginary news genre

WASHINGTON -- Among the senators deciding whether to put John Roberts on the Supreme Court, no one may have more at stake than those with designs on the White House in 2008.

Hawaiian Teen Recovering From Fish Attack

cult of the expert

Marine expert Craig Thomas said he has never heard of a barracuda charging into a swimmer. He said it seems more likely that Loumoli was impaled by a needlefish.

U.N. Works on Defining Terrorism

more wet sand added to UN

Ping's new blueprint not only gives a political definition of terrorism but spells out how two new U.N. bodies would be established; the Peacebuilding Commission to ensure countries emerging from conflict don't start fighting again and a Human Rights Council to replace the discredited Commission on Human Rights

Humidity, Rain Help Arizona Firefighters

then there's picnic news

PUNKIN CENTER, Ariz. -- Fire officials said humidity and rain helped them battle a more than 70,000-acre wildfire in central Arizona that forced the evacuation of more than 350 homes.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

LAPD Recruits Computer to Stop Rogue Cops

systems grow by encroaching

"There definitely needs to be computerized management" of officers, said Andre Birotte, the LAPD's inspector general. "There have been concerns with all the scandals that have gone on within the department."

Countdown resumes for space shuttle launch Tuesday

maybe-it-will-blow-up countdown news genre

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (Reuters) - NASA restarted its countdown clocks on Saturday in preparation for a second attempt to return its space shuttle fleet to flight following the 2003 Columbia accident.

Phoenix Works to ID Victims of Record Heat

three-way genre merge : weather, homeless, and sad

PHOENIX -- In the span of a week, in the throes of a record heat wave, 14 transients have perished on the streets of metropolitan Phoenix. They lived in obscurity, and many of them died the same way _ anonymous, ignored, alone. Their bodies were found crumpled on sidewalks near strip malls or in the shadow of downtown skyscrapers. Some were discovered only after strangers stumbled upon them and dialed 911.

Now, as Salvation Army volunteers pass out water and social workers coax vagabonds into shelters, the city is grappling with another challenge: How to put a name to the nameless, find their families and bury the dead.

Man Knocked Unconscious While Eluding Rock

it was a morning like any other when webber loaded up his car with dynamite for a day of bass fishing

MUSKOGEE, Okla. -- A flat tire was the first thing that went wrong for a Webbers Falls man on Friday.

Deaths of Woman, Baby Ruled Murder-Suicide

baby pushed her out the window

BOSTON -- The deaths of a woman and baby who tumbled 17 floors from a high-rise apartment window have been ruled a murder-suicide, police said Friday.

Wildfire Threatens Tiny Town in Utah

``mandatory'' is the media term, like ''threaten''

Air tankers were fighting the flames, and no houses were in immediate danger, Undersheriff Bart Bailey said.

"We call the evacuation mandatory," Bailey said. "That means we're warning you of the danger, but we're not bodily carrying anybody out."

U.S. May Use Airline Data to Find Sleepers

also finds drunks

Many people who aren't terrorists _ Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, D-Mass., among them _ have been told they can't board flights because their names are similar to those on the no-fly list.

Programmers: Video Games Need Female Touch

characters in woman-designed games have nice eyes

"I wish they were wearing more clothes," says Teich, a lifelong game enthusiast who now helps create games. Why, she asks, must women in video games always look like Las Vegas show girls?

Ex-CIA Officers Rip Bush Over Rove Leak

uncontroversial fact genre

WASHINGTON -- President Bush is jeopardizing national security by not disciplining Karl Rove for his role in leaking the name of a CIA officer, and has hampered efforts to recruit informants in the war on terror, former U.S. intelligence officers say.

Samantha Runnion's Killer Sentenced

the story so far, plot summary for new women, and a hook

SANTA ANA, Calif. -- More than three years after 5-year-old Samantha Runnion was kidnapped and murdered, her mother said she feels guilty for "bringing that sweet baby into this world only to be tortured and terrified."

Americans Cope With Record Temperatures

melons would be for tumors

LAS VEGAS -- When it's 117 degrees, the beads of sweat feel as big as golf balls, and gamblers still want their cars parked. Casino valet attendants have only one hope: Pray for a Cadillac.

Westmoreland to Be Buried at West Point

next to edgar allan poe

WEST POINT, N.Y. -- West Point will be the final resting place for Gen. William Westmoreland, the former superintendent of the U.S. Military Academy who later commanded American forces in Vietnam through a major escalation of the war.

Colo. Residents Turn Garden Hoses on Fires

wimps used garden hoses

GOLDEN, Colo. -- Winds fanned a grass fire on a central Colorado mountain ringed by homes, forcing residents to use garden hoses to battle the flames that crept to within yards of their properties.

Scientists Say More Right Whales Are Dying

whale-suicide hotline

BOSTON -- More than eight in 10 right whale deaths may be going undiscovered, according to marine scientists who called for emergency action to help prevent humans from accidentally killing the rare animal.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Ind. Woman Charged With Killing Her Sons

she snapped

"She'd been sick for a good six months," Irene Lopez said. "We took her to specialists. She was hospitalized once. We thought she was doing better, but she fooled us. Only God knows why this happened."

U.S. Transit Alert Likely to Remain Orange

terra cotta actually

In Washington, subways and buses were running normally and authorities remained on heightened alert, Metro spokeswoman Lisa Farbstein said.

After 5 Hurricanes, Fla. Slow to Rebuild

we're from the government and we're here to help

Following Dennis, Gov. Jeb Bush extended until Sept. 17 a previous executive order that allows state-licensed building contractors to do some roofing work. It does not, however, permit out-of-state contractors to work without a Florida license.

Dan Gilmore, president of the Florida Home Builders Association, said the labor shortage is affecting the entire state but is most acute in the western Panhandle, where "Dennis probably didn't help any."

He also said that although most materials are now in adequate supply, cement remains the big exception. Gilmore said the shortage is delaying some projects by two months or more and blamed a U.S. embargo on Mexican cement.

Teen Accused of Killing Her Grandfather


David Underwood, 64, was stabbed with a kitchen knife at least 21 times while he slept, Police Chief Terry Powell said.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Highway Negotiators Remain at Odds

put it in a pile and burn it

WASHINGTON -- House and Senate negotiators were still at odds Thursday over how billions of dollars in federal highway money should be divided among the states, prolonging talks on a long-delayed surface transportation bill.

Police Begin Checking Bags on NYC Subways

the theater district

The inspections began Thursday on a small-scale basis in at least one location in Manhattan, where a cluster of officers was seen stopping five men over a 15-minute period as they entered a subway at evening rush hour. In each instance, the officers peered briefly into the men's bags, then waved them through.

Expert Questions Existence of Woodpecker

they're called ontologists

hyperbolic woodpecker doubt. it might be stuffed ...

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. -- An expert on the ivory-billed woodpecker is questioning evidence that purportedly shows the rare bird, once thought to be extinct, in the swamps of southeast Arkansas.

San Diego Councilman Quits After Felony

somebody was touched inappropriately

SAN DIEGO -- A city councilman announced his resignation Thursday, three days after he was convicted of federal corruption charges in a failed scheme to overturn San Diego's ban on touching dancers at strip clubs.

Roberts Makes Gains Toward Senate Approval

playing adult

It marked the second time in two days that Roberts' nomination was boosted by Republican senators known for reaching across party lines. On Wednesday, John McCain, R-Ariz., said Roberts did not meet the definition of "extraordinary circumstances" that would justify a filibuster under a compromise worked out by 14 senators earlier this spring.

Santorum Meets Group Upset by Comments

Mothers against Mixed Metaphors

"When the culture is sick, every element in it becomes infected," Santorum wrote in the column. "While it is no excuse for this scandal, it is no surprise that Boston, a seat of academic, political and cultural liberalism in America, lies at the center of the storm."

Redistricting Measure Off Calif. Ballot

the beatings will continue until morale improves

The judge ruled that supporters violated California's constitution by using two versions of the initiative in the process of qualifying the measure for the ballot.

Analysts: Trade Deal Would Cost Taxpayers

government economics. actually, instead of paying more for sugar which is then passed on to the government in loan repayments, consumers don't pay and the government doesn't get the money. lesson : the loan in question has already been squandered. nothing will get it back.

Under CAFTA, those countries could ship more sugar to the United States. The CBO said the influx would push prices down and force farmers to forfeit government loans on their crops, costing taxpayers on average about $50 million annually through 2015.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Ancient Woolly Mammoth Tusk Found

geologist on drugs genre

PIXLEY, Calif. -- The fossilized tusk of an ancient woolly mammoth has been discovered near a dairy farm in Tulare County. The 10-foot-long curved tusk is estimated to be 100,000 years old, according to Roger LaJeunesse, an anthropology professor at California State University in Fresno.

Snake Visits Power Station, Causes Outage

man edited by a woman, a technical term giveaway

"Anytime an animal shortens out power at a substation, we offer our condolences to the animal," he said.

Atlanta Officials Weigh Panhandling Ban

casting the first stone

"You're going to answer to a divine authority!" shouted the Rev. Richard Cobble of Concerned Black Clergy, waving a finger at the council as he accused them of targeting the poor.

Park Rangers Help When Tragedy Strikes

rangers are your friend press release

BILLINGS, Mont. -- When a plane crashed on a lonely sagebrush flat in Grand Teton National Park last month, Karen Frauson was one of the first park rangers to respond.

Chicago Officials Charged With Corruption

the ankle-bracelet genre

Defense attorney Patrick W. Blegen said Slattery is innocent "and we're looking forward to contesting these charges in court." Sorich attorney Michael J. Goggin declined to comment.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Giant Panda at Atlanta Zoo May Be Pregnant

bamboo, ice cream and pickles

There is no way to test for a panda pregnancy, and pandas sometimes have symptoms even when they don't conceive.

Judge Narrows Pledge of Allegiance Lawsuit

it's to get them to shut up and pay attention, like the national anthem at ballgames

Terence Cassidy, a lawyer for the Elk Grove Unified School District, urged the judge to dismiss the entire case. He said reciting the pledge in school was not about religion, but rather is designed "to teach children about patriotism."

Groups back U.S. bill to make antifreeze bitter

actually a good idea. you never know when an activist might come up with something. you can't count on them for anything, even being wrong.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A pack of dogs joined forces with industry and consumer groups on Monday to urge Congress to pass legislation requiring antifreeze manufacturers to make their otherwise sweet tasting product less appealing to animals and children.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Senate to Vote on Hawaiian Self-Rule Bill

bipartisan pandering

The bill has the support of Hawaii's Democratic and Republican leaders of all races, including Gov. Linda Lingle and the state Legislature. Several thousand Hawaiians and non-Hawaiians signed an advertisement in support of the bill that appeared in last Sunday's Honolulu Advertiser.

Baby Survivor of Building's Fall Goes Home

leakage from the product recall genre

Paramedics said Abby might have died if not for the protection of her stroller. The Mountain Buggy, which sells for more than $600, is made of padded fabric stretched over aluminum frames and has 12-inch, air-filled tires.

Leahy Braces for Fight Over Court Nominee

coming attractions

Leahy, 65, has been through the ideological clash over Robert Bork's failed nomination in 1987. Leahy tried to elicit a definitive answer from Thomas on the Roe v. Wade decision, which legalized abortion, during the rancorous 1991 hearings that were overshadowed by Anita Hill's accusation of sexual harassment.

Volunteers Clean Plane Crash Memorial

memory hijack

MIAMI -- More than 30 volunteers labored under a blazing sun Saturday to remove swastikas and other graffiti from a memorial for 110 victims of a 1996 airline crash in the Everglades.

Pa. Man Charged With Killing Father

sort of a cain and abel thing but with fathers

PHILADELPHIA -- A man has been charged with strangling and dismembering his father and then storing the remains in freezers in his family's home, police said.

Slain Idaho Boy Remembered on His Birthday

a bathos orgy for the soap opera women

POST FALLS, Idaho -- Hundreds of people carrying balloons gathered Saturday to remember Dylan Groene on what would have been his 10th birthday, with a pastor telling mourners: "God is throwing a better party for him than you could ever possibly imagine."

Hiroshima Survivor Recalls Devastation

it's supposed to be devastating. the feeling at the time was that all the japanese on the island weren't worth the life of a single american soldier, which is also the feeling today. the thing to notice is that that changed instantly as soon as a surrender happened and the u.s. did everything to help the japanese; a war that worked on victory not hatred. it was moreover a bluff - there were only the two devices left, we didn't have others.

the japanese celebrate the day with lugubrious memorial services, treating it as like really bad weather, some unfortunate thing that came out of the blue. this is a way of forgetting what led to it. so a celebration of triumph over evil by dogged and iron american determination is never seen and will never be seen.

gentleness is only possible where there is great strength; which answers the paradox of aiding the japanese instantly after the war.

pacifism is not happy with that. it wants a virtue of great weakness. but that is ungrammatical, as Wittgenstein would put it.

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. -- Shigeko Sasamori hopes her scarred body and gnarled fingers put a human face on the suffering caused by the creation of the atomic bomb, a weapon that was first tested 60 years ago in the New Mexico desert.

Rape Spurs Anti-Hispanic Backlash in Ohio

redneck typo noted

HAMILTON, Ohio -- It started with the spray-painted, misspelled "Rapest" on the house of a Hispanic man accused of sexually assaulting a 9-year-old white girl. Then the house went up in flames in a suspected arson.

Funeral Held for Toddler Killed by Police

use of toddlers in gunfights questioned

LOS ANGELES -- The new mayor joined mourners Saturday at a funeral for a toddler who was killed by police during a shootout with her father, embracing the child's mother and pledging to conduct a thorough investigation.

Families Sue in 2 Helicopter Crash Deaths

families cash in on gravity

HARTFORD, Conn. -- Relatives of two Navy sailors killed in a helicopter crash two years ago have filed lawsuits against the companies that built the aircraft, accusing them of negligence.

Court Nixes Regulating Greenhouse Gases

modern peer review works by lawsuit, having lost the authority that comes from curiosity

"With each day of inaction, the problem of global warming worsens," Reilly said. "We will continue to fight to compel the federal government to use its legal authority to address this serious problem."

Thousands Mark World's First Atomic Blast

American technology day, also celebrated August 6 and 9

WHITE SANDS MISSLE RANGE, N.M. -- Thousands of people gathered Saturday at Trinity Site, a restricted area of the White Sands Missile Range, to mark the 60th anniversary of the world's first test of an atomic weapon.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Couple Has Two Sets of Identical Twins

the british system uses lightning

Just weeks into LeAnn's pregnancy through in vitro fertilization, the North Hanover couple discovered they were having not one, but two sets of identical twins, a statistical longshot with odds that rival winning the lottery.

Harvard University Names Diversity Adviser

that's the sort of science that interests women

Harvard is offering a sociology course for the first time this fall called "Women and Science: Sociological Aspects." The new course catalog said the class will explore the "similarities and dissimilarities between the situation of women and that of other minority groups in science."

D.C. Cub Begins to Show Panda Markings

the last one turned out to be part raccoon

WASHINGTON -- Just a week old, Mei Xiang's tiny cub is beginning to sport the dark markings characteristic of the endangered giant panda.

Woman Accused of Causing Deadly Car Crash

women were banned from chariot driving in ancient Rome during rush hour, according to the NYT

SKOKIE, Ill. -- A woman who said she "wanted to end it all" is accused of deliberately causing a high-speed crash that killed three Chicago rock musicians, authorities said.

Official: Dennis Ruined Fla. Cotton Crop

wiped out the boll weevils

JAY, Fla. -- Hurricane Dennis destroyed up to 50 percent of the cotton crop in parts of the state, making it the second straight year that some farmers will struggle to make a profit after a hurricane, agriculture officials said.

Girl's Account Could Be Key in Idaho Case

you go away for a week and it's the same damn abducted child in the news? no news, either.

COEUR D'ALENE, Idaho -- Although child witnesses are sometimes considered unreliable, 8-year-old Shasta Groene's detailed accounts of the killing of her family could give prosecutors a powerful tool in their case against Joseph Edward Duncan III.

Experts: Aging Shuttle Fleet Poses Danger

at liftoff it's producing zero horsepower, but women are more familiar with the larger number

Rattled by 180 million horsepower of thrust at liftoff, many shuttle parts do wear over time.

Bush Drops Hints on Supreme Court Choice

and rhymes with fork

WASHINGTON -- President Bush gave the nation several clues Saturday about the person he will nominate for a seat on the Supreme Court, except for the most important one _ a name. In his weekly radio address, Bush said his eventual nominee will be a "fair-minded individual who represents the mainstream of American law and American values."

Democrats hit Bush on security of buses, trains

keeps the elephants away

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Democrats accused President Bush and his fellow Republicans in Congress on Saturday of failing to do enough to prevent London-type bombing strikes on the nation's mass-transit systems.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Dennis Pounds Gulf Area Flattened by Ivan

purple prose

PENSACOLA, Fla. -- Hurricane Dennis came ashore on the Florida Panhandle and Alabama coast Sunday with a 120-mph fury of blinding squalls and crashing waves that followed in the ruinous footprints of Ivan just 10 months ago.

The storm crossed land near the same state-line spot where Ivan arrived, pounding beachfronts already painfully exposed by denuded dunes, flattened neighborhoods and piles of rubble that threatened to turn into deadly missiles.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

U.S. Says Iraq Militants Dealt Sharp Blow

what US says cynicism-about-good-news story. US reporters cynical about everything said and you should be too story.

WASHINGTON -- U.S. and Iraqi forces have "mostly eliminated" the ability of insurgents to conduct sustained, high-intensity attacks in Baghdad, the top U.S. commander in the Iraqi capital said Friday.

4 Americans Reported Injured in London

the foreign-disaster template used : X killed including Y americans. domestic is Y children because women like that. foreign children aren't white enough to relate to.

WASHINGTON -- Four Americans were injured in the bombings in London and two of them remained hospitalized Friday, State Department spokesman Tom Casey said.

45 Homes Evacuated Due to Colorado Fires

one theory is that reporters are like moths and that's why every fire nondisaster or disaster winds up the news. strictly speaking, moths only use the lights for navigation, thinking it's the moon, and get fooled when they fly past them into circling.

WETMORE, Colo. -- Residents piled children and pets into their cars before dawn Friday and fled as an erratic and fast-growing wildfire burned to within 100 yards of a southern Colorado community.

NY'ers: Attack Won't Affect Trips to U.K.

terror-story-not-working-out story

NEW YORK -- Frankie Ling is only 14, but he's already planning a trip to London. He wandered down to the Barnes & Noble in his Brooklyn neighborhood a month ago, bought a guidebook with his own money and has been lobbying his parents to take the next big family vacation there. And Thursday's bombing on the London Underground hasn't changed his dreams.

Supreme Court Speculation Fuels Rumors

hard to get attention what with the child molester and hurricane stories. o'conner had to compete with sharks. as it is, there's no news in any case, but wait! here's the story.

WASHINGTON -- The Supreme Court pulsed with retirement speculation Friday, with rumors focusing first on the ailing chief justice, then the oldest member, and even the tiniest justice.

Minn. Lawmakers End Government Shutdown

it was proving popular

ST. PAUL, Minn. -- Gov. Tim Pawlenty and legislative leaders reached a budget deal early Saturday, ending the first partial government shutdown in state history.

Blog of Idaho Suspect Mentions Minn. Girl

does _anybody_ read this crap or is it some sturdy news editor delusion. well, women probably. another detail to hang onto.

MINNEAPOLIS -- The convicted sex offender accused of kidnapping two children in Idaho wrote about a missing Minnesota girl on his Weblog, and investigators are now looking into whether he might have had anything to do with her disappearance.

NASA Relaxes Some Shuttle Launch Security

shuttles blow up enough on their own that it's not worth a terrorist's time

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. -- NASA officials are confident enough about their security measures that they are changing back to some pre-Sept. 11 practices, and the London bombings didn't change their plans, a spokesman said Friday.

Dennis Sends Residents Out of Gulf Coast

let's see, file footage of plywood and milk purchases, wind-damage photo teams in place ... can this be played out once again or will it turn into news satire

KEY WEST, Fla. -- Coastal residents from the Florida Keys to Louisiana packed up and evacuated or hunkered down early Saturday as Hurricane Dennis churned along a path that could at least sideswipe areas still rebuilding from last year's storms.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Robbery Suspect Dresses in Drag in S.C.

suspicious, if the robber also dressed in drag

COLUMBIA, S.C. -- It didn't take long for deputies to realize they had the right man in a bank robbery. The black dress with red flowers, red straw hat, and little black mustache gave him away.

Weary Floridians Warily Eye Nearing Storm

jaded floridians ignore hurricane news hype template

MIAMI -- Battered by a record four hurricanes last year, Floridians were keeping a wary eye on Hurricane Dennis, storming its way through the Caribbean on a course that forecasters said might bring it to the state by the weekend.

No Evidence Idaho Defendant Would Reoffend

the story with a million angles, proof of a surfeit of journalists assigned to it

Now questions about how Duncan, 42, managed to remain free years later are swirling after police accused him of kidnapping two Idaho children and killing three other people in May. Duncan made a court appearance this week via video link from jail, but authorities say he has refused to cooperate in the investigation.

Long Road Ahead Looms for Idaho Survivor

no limit yet found to what crap women will read

COEUR D'ALENE, Idaho -- For 8-year-old Shasta Groene, the terror is behind her. What's ahead for the little girl with the shy smile is anyone's guess.

Granddad : Body of Missing Iowa Girl Found

missing victim overload, too many child bodies running at once

FLOYD, Iowa -- The body of a 5-year-old Iowa girl who disappeared from her home nearly a week ago was found in a river, her grandfather said.

BART Workers, Management Avoid Strike

the looms genre reprise : two non-news event stories out of nothing

OAKLAND, Calif. -- A Bay Area Rapid Transit walkout was averted Wednesday when unionized workers reached a deal with management less than two hours before the trains that carry more than 300,000 riders each day were threatened to be shut down.

Flashy Ties Banned at Alaska Post Office

penis envy

Margaret Merrill, postmaster for the Soldotna Post Office, said she is simply enforcing the rules.

Murder Suspect Was Featured As Success

needs more therapy

BREMERTON, Wash. -- A man charged with killing a convenience store owner was featured in a mental health agency's annual report earlier this year, which said the suspect had "regained control of his life."

Study: Slow Walking May Be Best for Obese

wearing curlers and a pink mu-mu

Colorado doctoral student Ray Browning and his colleagues studied 20 men and women of normal weight and 20 considered obese as they walked set distances at different speeds. They found the obese people burned more calories walking at a slower pace for a longer time than walking at a faster speed.

Activists Seek to Curb Deaths at Wind Farm

opinion of chipmunks, squirrels and songbirds not heard

"Altamont is killing more birds of prey than any other wind farm in North America," said Jeff Miller, a wildlife advocate at the Center for Biological Diversity. "Incredible numbers of raptors are being killed there, and it's hard to believe it's not having effects on the populations."

Suspect Killed Because Woman 'Was White'

there goes the sympathy audience

Grant served more than 20 years in prison and is labeled as a "level 3" sex offender, the most serious classification.

Deadly Bird Flu Virus May Endanger People

unfunded scientist press release

NEW YORK -- An outbreak of bird flu among migratory waterfowl in China suggests the disease _ which could trigger a dangerous flu among people _ may be poised to spread to India, Australia, New Zealand and eventually Europe, scientists warn.

Judge Jails Times Reporter Over Source

most of the confusion is because she's posturing in the indicative while he's still in the subjunctive

But she said she had an obligation to protect a confidential source: "I do not make confidentiality pledges lightly, but when I do I must honor them."

Hogan was adamant that Miller comply with the court's order to testify.

Serial Rape Suspect Pleads Guilty in Colo.

judgmental judge

DENVER -- A man accused of raping or beating 10 people in the Denver area, including two 11-year-old girls and their grandmother, confessed Wednesday before a judge who handed him a prison term of more than 1,300 years.

Judge Tosses Bid to Revive Reparation Suit

the purple hat and clown suit stereotype

Attorney Benjamin Obi Nwoye said he and other lawyers who have worked on the suit planned to appeal.

Calif. Fire Turned Back From Nearby Homes

non-news non-event news

PALMDALE, Calif. -- A wind-whipped brush fire crept close to several homes Wednesday before crews got the upper hand, one of a handful of blazes around Southern California, officials said.

Idaho Kidnap Suspect Also Tied to Slayings

important for the soap narrative

"When we get the pieces together, we'll find out what the motive is," Kootenai County Sheriff's Capt. Ben Wolfinger said at a news conference.

Museum at WTC to Focus More on Victims

and crown thy good with victimhood / from sea to shining sea

NEW YORK -- In response to criticism, a "freedom museum" at the World Trade Center site will focus more on the victims of the 2001 terror attacks, officials said Wednesday.

Group: Drug Makers Top Lobbying Presence

industry GNP times regulation equals political contributions, or the law of increasing regulation

WASHINGTON -- The pharmaceutical industry's run of success on Capitol Hill has benefited from the more than $800 million spent since 1998 on lobbyists and political campaigns, a political watchdog group said Wednesday.

Box: Specter Pivotal in High Court Battle

loose cannon battle

FIGHTING: Like ailing Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist, Specter is battling cancer and has faced questions about how much longer he will stay in Washington.

Roadside Religious Messages May Proliferate

new testament god

Others prefer bumper stickers or T-shirts adorned with a list of the Ten Commandments or messages like "Smile, God Loves You."

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Retired Vice Adm. James Stockdale Dies

no person now, as well.

SAN DIEGO -- Retired Vice Adm. James Stockdale was a highly decorated Navy pilot who ran for vice president as Ross Perot's running mate in 1992, but by his own admission he was no politician.

Bush: No Litmus Test for Supreme Court Nominees

the litmus test litmus test

Bush said he would have no "litmus test" that disqualifies candidates because of their opinions on abortion and gay marriage.

Dinosaur Track Found in Denali Park

geologist on drugs

"You are looking at a very large, birdlike animal except it has teeth and a tail and instead of wings, it has arms," he said. A rough comparison, he said, would be a scaled-down Tyrannosaurus rex.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Ice Cream Vendor's Music Sparks Outcry

lower class put-down genre

"I don't want trouble with nobody," said Hector Morales, who manages 16 Mr. Ding-a-Ling trucks in the area around Utica.

Texas Man Arrested After Heroic Rescue

bureaucracies grow by encroaching

SAN MARCOS, Texas -- A man who rescued a swimmer caught in swirling river currents found himself in trouble soon afterward when he was arrested by authorities who claimed he was interfering.

Dave Newman, 48, disobeyed repeated orders by emergency personnel to leave the water, police said. He was charged with interfering with public duties.

Studies: Too Much TV May Inhibit Learning

news readership target demographic warned

A second study, looking at nearly 1,000 adults in New Zealand, found lower education levels among 26-year-olds who had watched lots of TV during childhood.

Root Canals, Emus Honored in Wis.

news stories unmocked

MADISON, Wis. -- Root canals and amateur radio operators were honored with special days in Wisconsin this year. Emus got a whole week.

Tone Down Rhetoric on Supreme Court Choice - Bush

uplifting template reporting hoped for

"I hope the language and tone of the (Senate) debate is one that is uplifting," Bush said.

Rip Tide Pulls Men to Their Deaths in N.H.

sharkless shark-format with notes of bathos : tragic holiday and tiny victim

HAMPTON, N.H. -- It was a tragic end to the holiday weekend: Two men dead after trying to rescue a 10-year-old boy who had been pulled into the Atlantic Ocean by a powerful rip tide at a popular Seacoast tourist spot.

Pollution Experts Head to Grounded Ship

academic environmental crisis format targets leftist moonbat readers.

The ship ran aground at the Pearl and Hermes Atoll near the western end of a coral reef reserve stretching 1,200 nautical miles from the main Hawaiian islands to Midway. The reserve is home to endangered monk seals and sea turtles.

Human Remains Found in Missing Boy Search

soap, anniversary, gruesome details, all you need for entertainment. you get another story yet when the human remains turn out, or don't turn out, to be the tiny little brother.

COEUR D'ALENE, Idaho -- Seven weeks to the day after Shasta and Dylan Groene were reported missing, Shasta was seen cuddling in the arms of her father, while authorities said they had found human remains that might be her missing 9-year-old brother.

Bay Area Rapid Transit Strike Looms

the looms genre, which gives you two stories for every one, the first a promotion for the second

"We're far apart on issues of service and safety, medical benefits and wages," said Hendel, who represents 2,300 BART workers affiliated with Service Employees International Union Local 790 and Amalgamated Transit Union Local 1555. "But we're planning to work through the night if necessary to reach a fair agreement without going to a strike."

Monday, July 04, 2005

Shark-Bite Victim Released From Hospital

shark attack place holder in absence of new shark attack

FORT MYERS, Fla. -- An Austrian teenager who was bitten by a shark off the coast of Boca Grande last week has been released from the hospital.

N.C. Boy, 7, Drowns in Fla. Hotel Pool

in a nation of 300 million, there's an endless supply of child death stories ; the delicate news question is how many at once can the female dead-child audience handle without ceasing to be fascinated.

"The 7-year-old was very anxious to go swimming, so he took off ahead of his family and he went to the pool first," Lizasuain said. "By the time the family got down to the pool, they did not see him."

Police Believe Missing Idaho Boy Is Dead

relate to this : roadmap

"We're happy about Shasta," Bill Todd, owner of Davis Donuts, said Sunday. "But I'm sad there's no good news on Dylan yet."

Mission Accomplished: Probe Hits Comet

nation's best science reporter is science illiterate. this is the same talent that goes into reporting aviation accidents.

the secret : they're not trying to get it right. technical detail puts women off, and women are the audience. they'd rather have it wrong but consistent with what women can relate to.

Soon after the probe's crash on the comet's sunlit side, the mothership prepared to approach Tempel 1 to peer into the crater site and send more data back to Earth. The spacecraft planned to fly within 310 miles of the comet before it activates its dust shields to protect itself from a blizzard of debris.

Thousands Pack Waikiki Beach to See Impact

math is hard

"I feel pretty fortunate," said Rustan, 19, who said her younger brother now wants to become a NASA scientist.

Gonzales Deflects Queries About High Court

rose from stupid poor people

During their association, Bush often has cited Gonzales's heritage and modest background. The son of migrant farm workers from Mexico, Gonzales grew up in a two-bedroom house in Houston with seven siblings.

Former Senator Who Founded Earth Day Dies

unaccountably not celebrated : nehru jackets, earth shoes

The former governor and senator started Earth Day in 1970, when an estimated 20 million people participated. April 22 is still celebrated today by planting trees, cleaning up trash and lobbying for a clean environment.

Bork's 1987 Hearings on Senators' Minds

kennedy unlikely to bring up mainstream figure

Specter is Judiciary Committee chairman. Kennedy, a committee member, says he's ready to fight if the president chooses someone who does not fit Kennedy's vision of a mainstream nominee.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Poor Writing Skills Cost States Millions

... productivity lost because ...

"It's impossible to calculate the ultimate cost of lost productivity because people have to read things two and three times," said Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, vice chairman of the National Governors Association, which conducted the survey for the commission.

Teachers Union Renews Fight for Higher Pay

self-correcting system : hire strikebreakers

LOS ANGELES -- The typical starting salary for teachers should be $40,000, the head of the country's largest education union said Sunday, pledging a renewed fight for higher pay.

AP News Alert

budget time mr science press release

PASADENA, Calif. -- NASA says a space probe has hit its comet target in a Hollywood-style mission that may provide clues to how the solar system formed.

Minn. Lawmakers on Holiday Amid Shutdown

minister makes bed ownership assumption

Johnson, who is also a Lutheran minister, disagreed and said a cooling off period could be beneficial. The governor and legislative leaders planned to continue discussions.

"I think it's good for members to be able to go home and meet family and friends and sleep in their own beds," he said.

Lava Dome Falls Into Mount St. Helens

the volcano template cliffhanger

Scientists have said a more explosive eruption, possibly dropping ash within a 10-mile radius of the crater, is possible at any time.

Small Plane Violates Washington Air Space

you could get even more by making it 17 miles

There is a 16-mile restricted zone in each direction from the Washington Monument and Camp David, near Thurmont, where President Bush was spending the weekend, is also off limits.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Parishioners Celebrate Church's Reopening

when champagne transforms into the body of chirst, it tastes like chicken

On Saturday morning after a final sleepover, parishioners gathered for breakfast, where they popped bottles of champagne and toasted the success of their efforts.

4 in Mourning Deal With Shuttle's Return

the damn thing goes 17,000 miles an hour. suck it up. it's supposed to be dangerous.

SPACE CENTER, Houston -- Each man had an intimate tie to the Columbia disaster. Two were in Mission Control trying to save the shuttle and its crew, and two were 900 miles away at the Florida landing strip waiting for a spacecraft that would never come. For more than two years, these four NASA employees at Johnson Space Center have struggled with grief and guilt and dealt in their own way with the shuttle's return to flight.

Step-Grandmother Held in Ore. Boy's Death

it's missing child week in the news

ESTACADA, Ore. -- The body of a 4-year-old boy missing for three days was found in a wooded area about 25 miles south of his home on Saturday and his step-grandmother was arrested after she led police to the site, authorities said.

Michigan Aims to Block Spam Sent to Kids

bad news for the statistician merit badge

LANSING, Mich. -- Parents can now sign up for what Michigan officials say is the nation's first registry aimed at keeping spammers from sending children inappropriate e-mail. The new law bans sending messages to children related to such things as pornography, illegal or prescription drugs, alcohol, tobacco, gambling, firearms or fireworks.

Flower Girl, Limo Driver Killed in Crash

tug at little reader heartstrings. 10,000 Americans die every day.

FREEPORT, N.Y. -- A 7-year-old who had been a flower girl at her aunt's wedding a few hours earlier was killed Saturday when the limo she was riding was hit head-on by an alleged drunken driver, police said.

Dems: Bush Administration Has Failed Vets

the dodge-ball game with a thousand dodge balls

SEATTLE -- President Bush's recent denials concerning the financial straits of the Veterans Affairs Department represented another administration failure to level with Americans about the costs of the Iraq war, Sen. Patty Murray, D-Wash., said Saturday.

Idaho Girl Found; Brother Feared Dead

nationwide hunt for story with lurid details for our shut-in audience's entertainment ends

COEUR D'ALENE, Idaho -- An 8-year-old girl who disappeared with her brother six weeks ago from a home where family members were bludgeoned to death was found early Saturday at a Denny's restaurant with a registered sex offender, officials said.

Bush Faces Pivotal Choices in Court Pick

he could pick a chimpanzee and replace o'connor exactly

He could make history _ and perhaps pick up votes for the GOP _ by naming the first Hispanic to the court. Or he could choose a woman and keep intact the court's current balance of seven men and two women.

NASA Readies Space Probe to Hit Comet

nasa crap hyped into a stay-tuned story

PASADENA, Calif. -- It's a space mission straight out of Hollywood _ launch a spacecraft 268 million miles so it can aim a barrel-sized probe toward a speeding comet half the size of Manhattan and smash a hole in it.

Bill Clinton Poses Social Security Remedy

actually clinton is right. that and raise the retirement age to track life expectency, or the latter alone; and the problem disappears instantly.

"Those of you who want immigration reform should use Social Security more," Clinton said to about 1,300 members of the League of United Latin American Citizens. "If we legalize just 250,000 more immigrants a year, it would solve half of the shortfall in the Social Security Trust Fund."

TV Thief Finds Freedom Frustrating

pulitzer in the category of most incoherent lede

GEORGETOWN, Ga. -- As hard as it was to spend 35 years in prison for stealing a black-and-white television, Junior Allen has found freedom frustrating, too. Despite extensive prison records in North Carolina, where he has spent more than half his life as inmate No. 0004604, Allen has been unable to establish his identity in rural Georgia, where he now lives with his sister, or in Alabama, where he was born 65 years ago to sharecropper parents.

North Korea Wants U.S. to Withdraw Remark

deadpan objectivity news humor

NEW YORK -- North Korea told the United States that it must withdraw its description of the communist nation as an "outpost of tyranny" and treat Pyongyang as a friend if it wants nuclear talks to resume, a senior North Korean official said Friday.

Arnold Rosenfeld, News Editor, Dies at 72

today's news an unabashed pile of crap for weeping stay-at-home women not admitted

"The amazing thing is that Arnold was a wonderful journalist, with a great nose for news _ a hard-driving newsman," he said. "He had both elements, which in my experience is extremely rare."

Drug Makers Reformulate OTC Cold Medicines

whiskey to be added to cough remedies

PORTLAND, Ore. -- Under pressure from law-enforcement agencies and state governments, drug companies have begun reformulating popular cold medicines to prevent criminals from converting them into methamphetamine.

Wildfires Pose Danger to Desert Tortoise

brush clearing around tortoises urged

SALT LAKE CITY -- Wildfires burning in the Southwest are threatening federally protected desert tortoises, further stressing a species that already has lost much of its population to drought.

At least two of the animals died this week and more could turn up as biologists search the charred landscape.

Kan. Lawmakers Miss Court-Imposed Deadline

transfer court funding to school budget

TOPEKA, Kan. -- The state Legislature missed a deadline imposed by the Kansas Supreme Court to increase spending on public schools and adjourned early Saturday with plans to break the deadlock over the weekend.

Marine Who Served in Vietnam Retires

oldest old fart news genre

QUANTICO, Va. -- When he enlisted in the Marines in 1969, Randall Arnold had to fight his way past a friend to get to the recruiting office. Thirty-six years later, Master Sgt. Arnold had no regrets as he retired from the Corps as its last enlisted Vietnam War veteran.

Shark Bites Tourist's Ankle in Florida

first austrian bitten

BOCA GRANDE, Fla. -- A shark bit an Austrian tourist on the ankle Friday while he stood in chest-deep water in the Gulf of Mexico, the state's third shark attack in a week.

Record Travel Expected for July 4 Weekend

news-in-advance non-news news genre

MIAMI -- Despite higher fuel prices, Americans by the tens of millions will hit the roads, ride the rails and take to the skies for the Fourth of July in what is expected to be the busiest three-day travel weekend in U.S. history.

U.S. Supreme Court Justice O'Connor retires

code for cocksucker democrats warned

"The nation deserves and I will select a Supreme Court justice that Americans can be proud of. The nation also deserves a dignified process of confirmation in the United States Senate, characterized by fair treatment, a fair hearing and a fair vote," Bush said.

Coretta Scott King Cancels Appearances

coretta scott king death-watch news thread announced

ATLANTA -- Coretta Scott King, the widow of Martin Luther King Jr., has canceled several public appearances in the past week, raising concerns about her health.

Army Town Stunned by Afghanistan Deaths

the woman's angle, for the soap audience

SAVANNAH, Ga. -- In the four years that Hunter Army Airfield has been deploying troops to Afghanistan and Iraq, John Judy has tattooed dozens of soldiers with crosses and banners in memory of fallen comrades. Still, the news that seven had died at once in the mountains of Afghanistan was tough for the tattoo artist to take.

O'Connor Retirement Sparks NOW March

vagino-american crisis

Her retirement leaves Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg as the only woman on the court.


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